who_is_she | (no subject)

(no subject)

Graham realizes halfway through the party that he's glancing around like he's expecting to see somebody else. Even though all of his friends are here, everyone he knows, there's one person he keeps scanning the room for, the one person he knows won't be here.

He ends up leaving early, leaving his untouched flute of champagne someone had pushed into his hands and pulling out his communicator before he's even halfway home. He stares at Vhan's number for a long time before he dials with shaking fingers. There's no reply, and honestly, Graham kind of expected that, seeing as it's been two years and the last time they talked Graham let Vhan think he didn't care. He gets home to his too-big apartment and starts to fix himself a snack, tries to get his mind off of Vhan, but something about it rubs him wrong. He thinks, after everything they've been though, Vhan would answer his call.

He tries again, no answer, and then goes through every number he has for Vhan, and by the time he reaches the last one he's starting to panic. He finally reaches an old mutual friend who says he hasn't heard fro Vhan in months, and the last he heard was that Vhan stabbed someone and went on the run from the police.

Graham starts to panic in earnest at that news, and his next immediate instinct is to call the police, or maybe the morgue, but he manages to calm himself enough to think it through.

He ends up at Vhan's house, and he's not there, but there's an older Korzan there who says they got the house cheap because the last renter ran out with no notice. He manages to track down the landlord as well, and even though he's only been a diplomat for all of twelve hours he's already abusing his power, as he tells the landlord he's investigating the whereabouts of a person of interest. The landlord doesn't have much to add to the story, except for how someone claiming to be a friend of Vhan's came around asking the same questions a couple of days after he left. Graham recognizes the name as one of Vhan's bandmates; Flinn.

It takes another flash of his official diplomatic ID card to get a phone number for Flinn, and once he has that it still takes a good amount of talking for Flinn to even admit he knows where Vhan is. Graham ends up emotional on the phone and confesses he's been trying to go straight and make amends, and Flinn doesn't argue that Vhan is one of the people he should apologize to.

In the end Flinn sighs and directs him towards a bridge on the seedier side of the city, but only after Graham promises to get him somewhere safe and warm when he finds him.

Graham finds himself running across pavement in the small hours of the morning, because he couldn't find a cab and the buses aren't running, and his heart is pounding in his chest and he imagines thousands of horrible situations as he nears the bridge Flinn had pointed out to him. He slows to a walk when he reaches the edge of the bridge, just where the light from the streetlights goes dim, and Graham pauses to peer into the gloom, his breath coming fast and his hands curled into tight fists.

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Vhan sees someone standing in the gloom light of the street lamp. His senses are hampered significantly - he's been drinking, and there are fresh track marks on his arm - but he's certain he sees someone standing there. Furthermore, this person looks very large, and seems to be searching through the darkness, looking for someone. For him, Vhan is certain. He hoists himself up from where he's slumped against the wall, his hand on the blade of the knife he kept tucked in the back of his pants. The ecstasy and euphoria of his current high quickly turns to gut-wrenching fear and paranoia, and his heart is hammering so hard and out of control he feels like it might lurch out of his chest, and, despite his best attempts, his breathing grows loud and heavy.

He draws his knife and clutches it tight at his side.

Graham's vision starts to adjust to the darkness and he sees a form on the ground, just as he starts to hear heavy breathing echoing around under the bridge.

"Vhan?" Graham asks after a tense moment, steeling himself, "Vhan, is that you? It's me... Graham, I mean, it's Graham." He winces a little at his own awkward phrasing, and imagines for a moment that it is Vhan, and he's about to emerge from the shadows and give him that sweet, crooked little smile of his.

Vhan's heart pounds even faster, and it feels like everything around him is spinning when he hears Graham's voice calling out to him in the darkness. He was dreaming, or someone was fucking with him. That had to be it. Someone had to be trying to mess with his head, or lure him out.

Whoever it was had obviously seen him, so he takes a step out into the light, wide eyed and holding his shiv in a shaky, outstretched hand. His filthy clothes, full of holes, hang loosely on his body, which is thinner even than it had been before. His bloodshot eyes are hallow, and his face is framed by sallow cheekbones.

"Don't mess with me," he stammers, teeth chattering from the cold and from the stimulants.

Graham freezes with his eyes wide when Vhan steps out of the darkness, looking nothing like how Graham had just been imagining him. He looks thin and sickly, with a shaky, wide-pupiled look in his eye that's heartbreakingly familiar.

"I'm not, I'm not messing with you, Vhan," Graham says, and the sees the knife in his hand so he holds up his hands in a placating gesture, "I swear, I'm not here to hurt you. I just--" Graham's voice breaks a little, his face pinching into a frown as he tries to hold back his emotion.

"I just miss you."

"Bullshit," Vhan says, taking a step backwards, "You're not him, Chakav sent you, you're here to finish me off for them so I can't snitch. Yeah, or maybe you're with Dolok. She decided the money wasn't enough, didn't she?" His hands are shaking so badly that his knife falls out of his grasp and clatters out of his reach under the dumpster. He drops to his knees, frantically feeling around for it for a moment in the dark.

"No, fuck, no," he chokes, scrambling backwards away from him on the ground and shielding his face with his arm, "Please, I'll do anything, for real."

"Vhan, no, Vhan," Graham says, going forward a couple of steps when Vhan drops to his knees and then stopping, not wanting to scare Vhan any more than he already had. His voice cracks and he loses his resolve, tears gathering in his eyes over seeing Vhan like this, hurting and scared.

"Please, Vhan, I swear, I'm here and nobody sent me. Flinn told me where you are. Please believe me, Vhan..." Graham trails off, his throat closing up around the words.

Graham's words seem hollow and far away, and he stares at him blankly for a moment before hanging his head, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. He still isn't sure if this is real or a trick, either by someone out to get him or by his own mind, but he doesn't have any fight left in him.

"Graham," he says, his voice wrecked, "I'm so tired, Graham."

Graham loses any semblance of self control when Vhan starts to cry, and he rushes forward to wrap his arms around Vhan and hold him close.

"I know, buddy, I know," he says, stroking his hand over Vhan's hair in an attempt to comfort him, "I'm gonna help you, okay? I'll help you get some sleep." Graham turns his head into Vhan's hair, just holding him close for a long moment, reminding himself that the panic and fear of the last couple hours can start to ebb now because Vhan is here, alive, if not totally unbroken.

But now he has to think about logistics, like how he's supposed to get Vhan to his apartment across town in the middle of the night.

Vhan lets his eyes fall shut as Graham holds him, and brings his arms up around him, hugging him tight. He turns his wet face into his neck and cries.

"I don't eat," he says, blubbering pathetically, "I don't sleep. I don't-"

"It's okay, Vhan," Graham says into his shoulder, his hands still stroking over Vhan's head and shoulders, "It'll be okay."

He stands there for a while, just holding Vhan until the chill starts to get to him and he realizes Vhan is shuddering and shivering against him, so he pulls away just far enough to call a cab. Vhan passes out against his shoulder during the drive, and then carries him up to his apartment. Vhan's clothes look dirty and uncomfortable, but he tucks Vhan into his own bed just the way he is, thinking anything else would be inappropriate.

He does however leave a fresh change of clothes within reaching distance from the bed, along with a glass of water and a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, just in case. Then he goes to catch a few hours of sleep on his couch, falling asleep almost as soon as he lays down. The party in his honor had only been a handful of hours ago but Graham had totally forgotten it in the wake of Vhan, and as he falls asleep his head is only full of how he could possibly help Vhan.

Vhan sleeps through the night, without jolting awake as had become the usual for him. When he does wake up, it's gradual, and he sits up, looking around him hazily as he tried to recount the events of the night before. He remembers Graham - a thought he would have discounted as a hallucination or a dream were it not for the fact that this was Graham's bedroom, the same one he'd slept in with him many times two years ago. Shame begins to creep in at the thought of Graham seeing him like this, the way he was now.

He drinks the water, and after taking a much higher than reccommended dose of the painkillers he finds the clothes at the foot of his bed and puts them on. They're much too big for him, especially now, but he tightens the belt around his waist as tight as it will go before cautiously heading out into the common area of the apartment.

Graham is sprawled out on the couch when Vhan walks in, snoring softly and still in his suit aside from the jacket and tie, which are both thrown over the back of the couch. His apartment is a little tidier than it had been when Vhan was here last, mostly because he'd been too busy lately with his new job to party. It's also more lived-in, with smll knickknacks here and there, along with pictures of his children set up on tables and drawings on his fridge, evidence that Sam and Greg have been here recently.

Graham snuffles and wakes at the creaking of the floorboards, blinking around the room before his eyes land on Vhan and go wide.

"Oh, hey," he says, sitting up and rubbing his face, "Good morning. How do you, uh, feel?"

Vhan can't bring himself to look at him. He swallows, rubbing the back of his neck and averting his eyes.

"Fine," he says, clearing his throat, "Uh, good, I think, yeah, I...thanks. I...sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up, you're probably tired."

He sits on the arm of the chair in his living room, not feeling entitled to take up space in the chair's actual seat.

"Sorry about...anything that might have happened last night, I...I don't remember too much."

Graham nods a little, his brain still foggy from sleep.

"That's good. That you're... Feeling okay I mean. I kinda figured about the memory thing you were, uh, out of it."

Graham pauses, taking guilty little glances at Vhan and wondering how to approach the elephant in the room. Mainly, he wasn't sure how to take back the last two years when they had obviously been tough on Vhan. He wanted to ask, but he didn't want to impose either, or force out any information Vhan didn't want to share. He didn't want to treat Vhan like that anymore. He glances at the way the clothes hang off Vhan's body and how tightly the belt is secured around his waist and decides on a course of action: food.

"So, uh breakfast? You hungry? 'Cause I'm starving," Graham says conversationally, standing up and heading towards the kitchen.

"Yeah," Vhan admits, trying not to sound too desperate or overeager. He follows him into the kitchen and takes a seat at the table. He watches him move around the kitchen with tired, unfocused eyes. It was surreal to be here with him. He'd planned things he would say to him, if he ever saw him again - angry things, mostly - but he found that now he didn't have anything to say.

He drums idly on his knees while he waits.

Graham pokes around in his own kitchen, trying to find food he knew Vhan would like that wasn't either too-old take out or the dusty can of soup in his cupboard.

In the end he comes up with toast and leftover takeout, a Korzan specialty that Graham never would have touched if he hadn't grown up with it because of its similar appearance to Earth insects. He puts the plate of toast between them and places a serving of the leftovers in front of Vhan, pretending not to notice that Vhan's serving is somewhat larger than his own.

"It's not much, I've been so busy at work lately that I haven't been buying groceries at all, unless Greg and Sam are here," Graham says, shrugging, "Something to drink? Coffee? Water?"

Deeply ashamed, Vhan hungrily stuffs his mouth with food, unable to hold back when it's placed in front of him. He'd been eating dumpster scraps for months, and he can't help himself.

"Yeah," he says, around a mouthful, "I mean, please, water, I-I need water."

Graham stalls a little, his heart clenches at the way Vhan inhales his food, like he hasn't had a proper meal in recent memory. He'd decided last night, but how is more sure than ever: he's not letting Vhan leave unless he's sure he's taken care of. He nods, moving over to the sink to fill up a large glass with water and then place it before Vhan.

He watches Vhan eat in silence for a long moment, his heart breaking, and then blurts out the thought that's been tumbling around in his head.

"Move in with me," he says suddenly, and winces at himself, "I mean, you can, you should, if you want."

Vhan chokes a little when Graham speaks, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, looking at him disbelievingly.

"You...move in with you?" he repeats. He considers it for a moment; he'd been regretting not taking Flinn up on the same offer when he'd made it months ago. He hadn't wanted to be a burden to him, or to anyone, then, and he still didn't. But now was different; he knew real desperation now, and eating the food that Graham had set in front of him solidified in his mind that he couldn't go back to that.

"You...I mean, I -- I can't, man," he says in spite of himself, shaking his head and resting his forehead on his palm, "You don't...have to do anything like that. You...man, you shouldnt have come looking for me."

He looks around the room, noting how much different it looked, now. Graham seemed to have his life in order, now, and here Vhan was, a complete charity case. Graham was the last person Vhan wanted feeling sorry for him.

"...Why did you come looking?" he asks, not looking him in the eyes.

Graham's heart sinks at Vhan's immediate refusal, even though he'd known it was coming. Still, there had to be something he could do, there was no way he'd let Vhan go back to living like that. Graham opens his mouth to say as much, but Vhan's question pulls him up short.

He blanches a little, remembering for the first time since he'd left the party why he had originally dialed Vhan's number.

"I, uh," Graham says, scratching the back of his neck and trying to think of a non-pathetic way of saying I don't have any friends, "I got this... promotion at work," he says awkwardly, "And I was at this, party or whatever, and I... I kept thinking about you," Graham ducks his head, flushing a little in embarrassment, "I thought... I didn't really care about any of these people, and I wanted to talk to someone I... I did care about." He clears his throat, unable to look up at Vhan. He wanted to be honest, wanted to make amends, but he knew it would be hard for him to stay in the realm of friends during this conversation, even though he knew he'd lost his chance with Vhan a long time ago.

"So I called you, but it was disconnected, and I..." he trails off, shrugging, "I had a bad feeling. So I went digging."

At a loss for words, Vhan starts eating again, slower than before. He thinks about Graham's words, as he stares at his food with a vacant expression.

"I missed you," he mumbles, so quietly it's almost inaudible, "I thought you didn't...I mean, I thought you were done."

Graham can't help the surge of relief and joy at Vhan's quiet admission, but works to keep his expression neutral.

"I know. I let you think that. I guess I... Thought it would be easier. For you. If I wasn't in your life," he shrugs, rubbing the back of his bald head again, "I never... I mean, I wasn't ever done. With you. I... lied." Those words hang in the air for a long moment, and Graham lets them sit heavily on his shoulders before he speaks again.

"I'm sorry, Vhan. You didn't... You don't... Deserve any of that. Or this," he says, gesturing vaguely to their situation.

"You thought my life would be better," Vhan repeats, with a sad laugh, "Yeah, well, you were right, as you can see, things worked out really well for me."

He finishes his food, and downs the glass of water.

"...Don't feel sorry for me, okay?" he says, "I got myself into this. You don't have to like...try to fix it for me because you feel bad about shit."

"Hey, that's not what this is about, okay?" Graham says, reaching to take Vhan's wrist and give him a stern look, "I was shitty to you and I'm sorry about that, but this isn't my apology. I mean, I understand it, you know? You know more than anyone that I get it. This is about you deserving to be well fed and warm." His expression gentles, and he looks down, realizing he's still touching Vhan's hand and pulling away.

"I mean... I understand if you don't want to stay with me," he adds, slightly shamefaced, "But I could still help. It's not charity, you know? It's... What you do when you care about someone." Graham's face is burning again and he steps back, leaning back against the counter.

Vhan's chest aches, and it worsens when Graham pulls his hand away. He has a fleeting urge to reach out to him again, but he pushes it down. Acting on feelings like that had only ever ended in trouble, he reminded himself. Besides, he knows he still wasn't quite in his right mind.

"...All right," he says, biting his lip thoughtfully, "I'll...stay a while. Thank you."

Graham sighs, relieved, sitting down next to Vhan and taking a piece of toast.

"Good, that's... I'm glad," he says, smiling over at Vhan, "I missed you."

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