who_is_she | grimdark au

grimdark au

Conner's the last one back on the ship, and he slams his palm into the release button for the cargo bay doors the moment he's inside, shouting over his comm that everyone's aboard so they can get the hell out of there. It's not until after they're taking off that Conner really does look up and check that everyone's here; he counts two of his crewmates plus the three people they'd rescued from the compound, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

He tears off the stifling Cerberus helmet and lets it drop to the ground, running his hands back through his sweaty too-long hair. He hates that helmet, hates the part where he pretends to be a part or that again, even if it is to save people.

He moves to lean back against the wall and hisses in pain, his hands going down to his leg. There's a tear in his armor where a shot just barely missed the real flesh part of his leg, but it dented the metal prosthetic and is now digging into his thigh. There's nothing he can do about it now, though, so he turns his attention on their guests.

Two of them are kids, maybe ten or twelve, but the third one is older. About Conner's age, actually, but no. He was younger, Conner remembered, because he'd been there. He cuts his gaze away from the older one, can't help but wonder if he has a name now, wonder if he even remembers.

"Any injuries? Everybody okay?" he asks in a gentle voice.

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The reality of the situation hadn't set in for Gavin yet, and he's been quiet throughout most of their escape, sitting with his knees tucked up to his chest to cover his near-nakedness.

The last 10 years of his life had been spent locked in that place, being experinented on, drugged, and tortured, and he couldn't accept that it might possibly be over. And even if he had accepted that part, the fact that he was finally moving on to something different, he still had no idea what that meant. He didn't know where they were going, or what these people want with him. He has no idea who they are.

At least, he doesn't until one of them removes his helmet, and checks for a bullet wound in his prosthetic leg.

"Hey-" he says, his voice rasping as he breaks his silence, "Hey, I know you. You...you helped them. I asked you for help and you helped them hold me down!"

His eyes and fists start to glow dangerously, and he can feel his heart hammering in his ears as he shrinks back, away from him and the others. The others, in turn, cower away from him, a well-warranted reaction which he was quite accustomed to by now. He presses his palms to his temples, trying to regain control of his biotics, but his head was spinning out of control at the realization that one of his captors was among his so-called rescuers.

"No," he hisses, uselessly, "no, no, no, no, no. I can't-get away from me, everyone back up, we have to land the ship, or something, I'm...I-I'm a bomb."

Conner pales when the guy recognizes him, and the guilt he feels is almost overwhelming. At the time he'd been young and scared, too scared to do what he knew was right, and here, finally, he's faced with proof of that.

He doesn't register what's happening until the guy starts to warn them, and Conner steps forward as everyone scuttles back, holding out his hands. He creates a bubble around both of them, stepping closer as he does.

"It's okay!" he says, trying for calm and stern but his voice comes out shaky, "I'm not one of them anymore, I'm not here to hurt you, I only want to help," he says, focusing his power on containing the huge amount of force this guy was giving off, "I'm sorry!" this part he yells, his voice breaking and his bubble wavering for a moment while he gets himself together.

"It's okay, it's okay, I can contain it, you won't hurt anyone," he says in a calmer tone, focusing on keeping himself steady.

Tears start to prick in the corners of Gavin's eyes, and he wipes them with his hand as he backs himself into the corner. He stumbles, falling onto his side, where he curls up, defeated, tucking his knees to his chest.

"You're scared of me," he laughs deliriously when he hears the way his voice shakes, running his hands over the closely shaved hair on his head, "Of course." He could feel himself verging on unconsciousness, and he lets his eyes fall closed as his vision starts to darken.

Conner wants to argue, wants to say he's not afraid, wants to apologize again, but he can tell the guy won't hear him by the way his power is leaking away. Conner waits until he's sure he's unconscious to dissolve his stasis field, and he sags a little when he does.

"It's okay," he says to the others, "He's out." Then he moves forward, bending down to gather him up in his arms and carry him up to the guest quarters. He feels too light and too delicate, and the guilt feels like a heavy lead weight in the pit of Conner's stomach.

The guy--Conner still doesn't know his name--has been out for almost twenty four hours, now. Conner's been with him the whole time, except for a few breaks for food and talking to his crewmates.

He's got a plate of food and a pitcher of water waiting, along with a selection of his own clothes he thinks might fit.

Conner tilts back in his chair, covering his face with his hands and rubbing his eyes. Part of him wants desperately to explain, to try and excuse what he'd done five years ago, but the clearer part of his mind knows there's no apology that can make that go away. He'd left a kid there, alone, to rot, because, what? He was afraid of being thrown into jail? There was no way any consequences he would have experienced would have been worse than what he'd done to this kid--man, he was an adult now.

Conner groans into his hands, wishing he'd wake up and dreading it for the same reason. At least if he woke up Conner could stop turning it over again and again in his head.

Gavin opens his eyes to the sight of an unfamiliar ceiling, and he jolts upright, panting, his eyes darting around the room. The sight of Conner sitting there worsens his state, and he attempts to cover his nearly bare chest with the blanket on the cot. Familiar blue energy starts to radiate from him, and he starts to hyperventilate.

"Stop...stop me!" he begs frantically, despite his mistrustfulness; he doesn't see any other option.

Conner startles and almost falls out of his chair at the sudden movement, and activates his powers as soon as he realizes what's happening. He creates another bubble around the cot, standing up and keeping close to him without touching.

"It's okay," he says, his voice calmer and more collected than it had been before he'd passed out, "You're safe. I can-- I can stop it faster, but only if you're okay with me touching your skin," he says, pointing to Gavin's arm,.

Gavin nods frantically. The man's reassurance does nothing to steady his breathing, and his eyes were starting to well up with tears again.

"Just-- Jesus, just do it already, please," he half-yells, reaching out himself and grabbing Conner by the wrist, "Please."

Conner's heart aches at the look on the guy's face and he nods, putting his hand over the hand on his wrist. He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting the power flow through him. Conner staggers a little at the burst of strength that flows from him, his head swimming and his ears ringing with it. It only takes a few moments for him to siphon off the excess energy, and as the man on the bed stops glowing, Conner starts.

He breaks the contact when he feels electricity start to crackle over his skin, stumbling back and sitting down hard in his chair, his hands going automatically to his head. He focuses intently and gradually the glow fades, and Conner gasps and blinks his eyes open when it's gone.

"Fuck," he swears under his breath, his eyes cutting over to the bed to check for any injury or danger, "Are you all right?"

"I'm...I'm fine," Gavin says quickly, settling back down onto the bed and rubbing his forehead. He spots the food on the bedside table and reaches for it with shaky hands, devouring it hungrily.

"I haven't eaten in weeks," he blurts out with his mouth full, the rush of adrenaline he'd gotten from his scare moments ago making him talkative, "Not really. They put tubes in my nose. Gave me shots. Most of the time, I mean." He swallows the bite in his mouth and stares down at his sandwich.

"Thanks," he says, reflexively, "For the food."

Conner nods, then takes a deep breath, rubbing his temples at the painful buzzing still going on in his head.

"No, um, no problem," Conner says awkwardly, surprised at the ease with which he talks to Conner, "I, um, got you some clothes too. Those look... uncomfortable," he says with a vague gesture to Gavin's chest. He picks up the pile of folded clothes sitting next to his chair, sorting through it and setting the separate articles on the cot.

"There's a sweater, here," he says, handing it over, "There's a couple shirts, jeans, shorts, stuff like that. I had some extra stuff laying around," he shrugs, picking up a couple pairs of balled up socks that rolled across the floor.

"Did you--uh," he starts, unable to look the guy in the eye, "What's your name?"

Edited 2015-02-23 06:17 (UTC)

Gavin hesitates when asked his name, uncertain of which one he should give, or if he should reveal that part of his identity to someone with this much control over the direction his life took from here on out.

"...Paige," he says at first, even though the name tastes bitter in his mouth; he was sure this guy would find documents about his life before this, eventually, so he felt pressured to give his birth name, but he scowls as he says it. He gets out of the thin piece of cloth around his chest and pulls on the sweater the man had offered him.

"My...parents. They called me Paige," he repeats, eyeing Conner with some suspicion.

Conner blinks a little at the scowl that accompanies the name, and then nods slowly at the explanation.

"What, uh," he pauses, scratching his fingers through his beard, "What do you call you?"

He knows he should leave, he knows he's unwanted here, but there's a part of him that's drawn to this guy; a part of him that hadn't gone a day without remembering his face, the heartbroken look he'd had when Conner walked away.

He'll leave after he gets his name, he decides, and ask one of the others to take over on guard duty.

"You...want to know that?" Gavin says, surprised, "Well. All right. I call myself Gavin, mostly."

He returns to his sandwich, flushing a little as he takes another bite.

"What's yours?" he asks suddenly, wiping the corners of his mouth with a finger, "I mean...your name."

"Gavin," Conner repeats, smiling in relief that he at least trusts Conner enough with his name, "Cool."

"Oh, uh, Conner," he says, surprised somehow that Gavin doesn't already know it, but when he thinks about it he realizes he'd never introduced himself, even when he'd approached Gavin with his questions those years ago.

He knows this is time when he should leave, before something about him sets off Gavin's powers again, and he sighs and stands.

"I, um... I left Cerberus. Well... Escaped is more like it, but... I know that can make it... Hard, for someone like you to interact with me, especially with how... With what... What I did," he pauses for a moment to collect himself, running a hand through his hair, "So I'll ask someone else to help you get settled. You won't see me."

"Wait!" Gavin says quickly, scrambling to stand up, "I mean, no, I can't...the rest of them, I saw how they looked at me, the things they said about me, when we were escaping. They're scared, I don't know what they'll do. And..."

His eyes are wide with fear, and his hands were starting to shake again.

"Don't," he begs, "If you leave me with someone else, I...I don't know if I'll be able..."

Edited 2015-02-23 07:06 (UTC)

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Conner says, his heart aching at the fear written plainly on Gavin's face as he moves back to the chair, "If you want me to stay I can. If it's... If you need me to leave, though, you can tell me, okay?" he says, waiting for Gavin's assent before he relaxes.

"During a mission we're all kind of... High strung, so they might have been afraid then but they won't be now. I'll tell them not to be. You have... a lot of power. More than I've ever felt, actually, but you're not... I know you don't want to hurt anyone. I can help you not hurt anyone, until you're strong enough to do it on your own." He looks down and away, thinking about the concerns he'd already heard from his crewmates about Gavin's power. But it didn't matter. He'd convince them because it was true.

"They can help you too. I mean, I'm the best at... Controlling other biotics, but they know how to help, too. They want to help. You'll be safe with them if I have to... Go sleep or something like that." Conner looks back up at Gavin, his expression earnest. He knew his crewmates could be hardheaded and difficult to understand, but they'd all been through a lot together and they would believe Conner when he said Gavin wasn't too dangerous. They had to.

Gavin sits back down, rubbing the bridge of his nose and breathing a heavy sigh.

"I...want to believe that," he sighs, exhausted. They talk intermittently as he finishes his food, and for several hours after that, about Conner's group, about where they were going, about anything other than Gavin or his life or where they had just come from. Gavin could feel himself becoming more at ease with him, and even managed something like a smile at one point in the conversation, when Conner was telling him a story about a friend of his back on Earth.

When it starts getting late, Gavin eases himself back into the bed, gazing out the window near his cot.

"You've...been up a long time, haven't you?" he says, his voice still slightly fearful, "You'll have to sleep soon."

"I..." Conner wants to deny it, wants to stay here, wants to keep watch, but he's only managed to have a nap or two while Gavin was out. Really, he's exhausted, and desperately needs to rest, especially after he'd used his powers so extensively earlier.

"Yeah, I do. I... I'll go get someone, it'll be fine. And, here," he stands up and reaches into his pocket, handing over a spare communicator, "You can wake me if you need to, all right? I'm just down the way."

He goes to talk to his crewmates after that, and it takes a little convincing but they grudgingly agree that while Gavin is powerful, he's still a person who deserves help. Eventually one of them agrees to go watch over Gavin while Conner gets some sleep, and Conner leads him back to Gavin's room to introduce him.

Conner's asleep almost before his head hits the pillow, but it feels like it's only been moments when he jerks awake because there are voices screaming on his communicator and an alarm blaring on the ship. Conner's stomach drops because he knows immediately what's happened, and doesn't bother pulling on a shirt or changing his pants before he's running from the room and towards Gavin's.

Gavin sits shaking in the corner of the room, head tucked between his knees and hands covering his head as he rocks himself back and forth. Steam was pouring into the room from a pipe he'd busted overhead, and he can barely make Conner out when he comes running through the fog.

"I didn't mean to!" he shouts, still radiating blue heat, "I swear, I fell asleep and I had a dream...I-I was back there, and I just--"

His face and eyes are red and wet with tears.

"I know you have a tranquilizer, use it!" he pleads.

Conner moves on instinct still not totally awake, finding Gavin in the room and immediately going to his side. He wraps his arms around Gavin, using the contact to siphon off Gavin's energy.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," he murmurs, rocking Gavin gently back and forth, "I have... I don't want to give you something that strong, not when you're this weak, but... I have some weed. That might help you relax."

Gavin is trembling violently, and he lets himself be held, his arms falling limply at his sides.

"I don't care, I don't care, just..." he sobs, "Just do whatever works."

He slumps against Conner, his breath coming in gasps.

"Is he dead? Is he dead? God, is he fucking dead? Did I fucking kill him?" he chokes, repeating the question several more times.

At first Conner has no idea what Gavin's talking about, but then realization dawns on what must have happened and his heart thumps with fear. One of his crewmates is standing nearby, fixing the pipe, and when Conner looks at her she shakes her head, her expression still grim. Conner breathes a sigh of relief, stroking hs hand over Gavin's back.

"He's fine, Gavin, he'll be fine," he says soothingly, "I'm gonna go get you something to help you relax, and I'll check on him and-- I'll be right back, okay?" He holds onto Gavin for another moment, his hands rubbing over Gavin's back and shoulders.

When he gets to the medbay everyone is gathered outside, and there's a still body laying on one of the beds inside. The crew turns on Conner, their expressions grim and fierce.

"Is he..." Conner starts to ask, gesturing to the medbay.

"He's fine," says one of them, the closest thing they have to a leader, his arms crossed over his chest, "He was awake, so he mostly just got thrown into the wall while he had his shield up. But Conner... We can't keep him here. He's out of control."

Conner is incensed immediately, and his hands curl into fists at his sides.

"He had a nightmare! Every one of you has seen a biotic do the exact same fucking thing--just because he has more power he's out of control? He's not too far gone, he needs help!" Conner's almost yelling, gesturing widely.

"We can't help anybody if some freak experiment goes nuclear and blows up the whole ship!" his crewmate yells back, and Conner grits his teeth to hold back from punching him.

"He is a human being, not an experiment, and you're no better than the Cerberus scum we just rescued him from if you think differently," Conner says coldly, shaking his head, "I'm not leaving him alone on some space station. If you want him gone, then I'm leaving too."

With that he walks off, going to sort through his stash and bring some of it back to Gavin.

Gavin can hear the shouting outside the door, and it heightens his anxiety even further. When Conner returns, he's still rocking himself, biting down on his thumb as he does.

"They're right," he chokes, "They are, you have to get me off this ship, I can't-"

"Gavin, no, don't talk like that," Conner says, going to his knees at Gavin's side, "It's not true, okay? You-- You're strong, I know you are, I knew it even back-- Before, when I saw you, I knew." Conner puts his hand on Gavin's shoulder, feeling his panic and anxiety in the biotic powers that flow into him.

"And I'm-- I'm gonna help you, okay? I know I-- I didn't, before, and there's not-- I regretted it every single day, so I'm not gonna give up on you now, okay? You deserve-- You deserve better than this. And you'll get better than this. No matter what, okay?"

Conner realizes he's faintly shaking when he falls silent, and his grip is too tight on Gavin's shoulder. He loosens his grip, rubbing the spot, not quite able to look Gavin in the eye.

Gavin runs his hands back over his head, turning Conner's words over in his head. For the first time, he actually believes this guy doesn't want to hurt him; it seemed obvious to him, now, that taking him on as a project was Conner's way of assuaging the guilt that had been hounding him ever since he'd left him all those years ago. He feels the way his hand shakes on his shoulder, and the way his voice wavers, and he laughs hopelessly.

"I...I-I'm not going to be that easy to fix," he stammers, "Just...drug me."

Conner laughs too, a small awkward noise, and reaches into his pocket for his supplies.

"I know. But that... That I can do. It's not the hard stuff but it... It helps. Ive used it before to, like, stop the biotics." He lays out his supplies on the floor, including a bag of weed and a vaporizer, and another bag with a small amount of pills.

"I have it in pill form too, if you want, but I kind of like the ritual part of it," He says, chuckling, loading up the vaporizer and handing it over.

Edited 2015-02-23 19:46 (UTC)

Gavin's hands are still shaking when he takes the device from Conner.

"I don't care, man," he says, shaking his head as he holds the device to his lips and inhales. He coughs, making a sour face, before hitting it again.

"Your friends know you're giving me this?" he rasps, already feeling slightly affected by it.

"Um, probably?" He says, shrugging, "They know I do it. Some of them do it too. I don't think they'd object, anyways." He settles back against the wall, watching Gavin smoke. He's tempted to take a drag himself, but he figures it would be best to not have his abilities impaired, just in case.

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you need anything?"

Gavin shrugs his shoulders, blinking slowly as he takes several more puffs.

"I don't know," he groans, sinking slowly onto his back on the floor, without really realizing what he was doing, "I don't know."

His eyes were reddening and watering, but he exhales without coughing this time.

"You didn't sleep," he says slowly, closing his eyes, "Not for very long."

"It's fine," Conner says, shaking his head, "I've gone longer with less." That was true, but Conner was tired, but there was no way he was leaving Gavin alone again, not unless he was sure he was calm.

"Are you tired? You should lay on the bed."

Gavin nods, but he struggles to get back on his feet, stumbling as he attempts to hoist himself up off the ground.

"I...I can't fucking get up," he sighs, the vaporizer falling out from between his fingers and rolling across the floor.

"I got you, hang on," Conner says, getting up and putting his arm around Gavin, hoisting him up and carrying him over to the bed. Gavin's asleep by the time Conner tucks him under the blanket, and Conner pulls the chair in the room up next to the bed.

He stays awake for a while, and he tells himself that he's just monitoring Gavin's condition but it sounds like a hollow excuse in his own ears.

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grimdark au

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