who_is_she | can you dodge this

can you dodge this

Conner stares at the softly glowing tip of the joint, his mind blissfully still and blank. The last several weeks have been stressful, starting with the tension between him and Gavin over Gavin's attempted seduction, and Conner was glad things were finally starting to settle. He could tell his refusal had shaken Gavin's trust in him, and Conner had done his best to communicate he still cared about Gavin and thought of him as his best friend, but it still took time to return to the status quo.

Tension had been mounting within the crew as well, as Gavin had started showing real potential now that he could control his powers and the crew wanted to use him as a weapon. This had made Conner's stomach turn over, though he couldn't exactly say why. He'd chosen to do this, to have his powers, and when he'd realized the monster he was on track to becoming he had decided to use his power to fight. But Gavin never had. Gavin had never asked for any of this.

"Did you ever, like, want to be something when you grew up?" Conner asks, even though that wasn't really what he wanted to ask, his brain was moving too sluggishly to keep up with his thoughts, "Like, a fireman or something?" He passes the joint back over to Gavin, turning his head to look at him as they're both lying back on Gavin's bed, their shoulders brushing.

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Gavin was relieved to be here, with Conner, away from the rest of the crew. There had been a lot of pressure on him from them lately, a lot of expectations he wasn't sure he was ready to meet, but with Conner, there never was any. He smiles at the way their shoulders brush as they lie on their backs, a gesture that would have made him blush if he wasn't stoned, and if he were any more out of his mind right now he might have reached out to hold his hand right now.

Things had settled down between them since Gavin's horrific attempt to get Conner in bed, and he was glad for it, but the things he'd felt for Conner hadn't subsided at all. Their friendship had grown even tighter in spite of his embarrassing slip up, and Gavin was feeling things that went much further than lust. He'd lie awake turning Conner's words over in his head, thinking about his smile, or his voice. Sometimes his heart would hammer when they'd get close like they were now, and sometimes he'd just get distracted. Like he was now.

It takes him a minute to respond.

"I mean, yeah," he says, taking a long drag off the joint and blowing it towards the ceiling, "When I was really little, I guess I did. I wanted to be a vet when I was really little, 'cause I love dogs, before I realized being a vet meant I'd have to touch their guts and put them to sleep."

He laughs, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"My dad...always said doctor stuff wasn't for girls anyway."

He turns his head to the side, and he's surprised by how close Conner's face is to his own.

"What about you?" he asks.

"I think... you'd be a good vet. Except people would stop coming to you because you'd make their pets love you more than their owners," he says, laughing, not really knowing or caring what he's talking about.

"I always... I wanted to be an artist," he says, facing the ceiling and holding his fingers up to frame it, "I used to draw all the time in high school, like, dragons and swords and... Well, boobs and dicks, too," he adds, laughing, "My art teacher wanted me to go to some art school, but... I couldn't." He weaves his fingers together over his head and then drops them back down onto his chest, turning to look at Gavin.

"If you could, like, just go off now and be a vet in some, like, beautiful little town in--in Arizona or something, and like, give Mrs. Jenkins' cat her weekly check-up, would you? Like, if none of this other shit mattered?"

Edited 2015-02-24 04:15 (UTC)

Gavin shrugs, his head still turned to face Conner.

"I don't know," he says absently, "Maybe. I'd have to go to medical school, and I'm still not sure about touching guts, though, or putting animals down. I like animals, though. Maybe I'd work at a shelter. Or foster animals. Kids, too, if I could. I don't know how you get to be a foster parent, but I've always thought about helping out kids who'd...you know, been through some shit, didn't have anybody to love them." He sighs, and his expression turns a little sad.

"Stupid, right?" he says, distantly, "I mean, I'm...not really cut out for that anymore."

He smiles, nudging Conner a little with his elbow.

"But hey, I bet your drawings are great. I'd love to see them sometime."

"I'll show you sometime, I have them around here somewhere," Conner says vaguely, taking the joint back to take another drag. Then his brain goes putt, putt and he processes everything Gavin just said.

"Hey, no, wait, you're totally cut out for that shit, dude," Conner says, sitting up to turn around and look sternly down at Gavin, "You can do whatever you want. You'd be a great, like, foster dad. Or... dog dad... or whatever. What's the point of like, being free, if you only do what they wanted you to, only for the other side? What's the fucking point in that?" Conner frowns, sitting crosslegged on the bed and leaning over to put out the stub end of the joint in the nearby ashtray, "You're worth more than that."

Gavin shrugs, folding his hands across his chest and closing his eyes.

"I don't know, I just kind of feel like...it's too late for that, now," he mumbles, "I'd be doing the most good I could, and...everyone wants me to. If I don't...I mean, everything I've been through, my whole life...what's it worth, you know? I could make something good come of it all, nevermind what I...want."

Conner looks over when Gavin speaks, his expression turning pained.

"What if... What if you being happy is all the good it needs to come to? I mean, like... I... had a choice with my powers. I wanted them. The mistakes I made... They were mine. But you didn't, you were a fucking kid and they... They chose for you. What if the... The happy ending here isn't you, like, getting revenge or whatever, what if it's you choosing for yourself? If it's like, you take the choices they made for you and tell them to shove it? I mean... If you want to fight, that's cool, but like... If you don't make the choice, it's like... It's just... A damn shame." Conner rubs his face with his hands, pushing his fingers back into his hair and grips tightly.

"I don't think it's fair if you don't choose for yourself."

Gavin mulls over Conner's words, opening his eyes to look at him thoughtfully.

"That's not how your friends see it," he says, somewhat bitterly as he rolls over onto his side, "I know they send you in here to...pressure me into joining up."

He'd heard them talk before, about the influence Conner had over him, and how he should use it to turn Gavin to their cause. He was grateful Conner hadn't been pushing it like they'd asked, but he was starting to consider, anyway, despite the qualms he'd had with the group in the past.

"...Thanks for caring, though," he adds, realizing the last thing he'd said could have come off as a biting remark, even though he hadn't meant it to be one.

Conner just nods, miserably, still not looking up or moving his hands away from his face. His crew had been his best friends, once, his comrades-in-arms, when he thought he was fighting for the innocent. But now they made the same decisions that Cerberus had, choosing the big picture over the small freedoms, and it didn't sit right with Conner. He'd even been questioning his own motives, because he'd always been aiming to atone for his mistakes, but no matter how many people he'd helped he never felt any less guilty. Even helping the person he'd hurt the most hadn't assuaged his guilt any. He felt like maybe, if Gavin had the freedom to choose his own life, then Conner had that same freedom, to live his life away from guilt and regret.

He sighs and drops his hands back down to his lap, realizing he's been silent for some minutes. When he looks back at Gavin his eyes are closed, and Conner smiles a little, assuming he's fallen asleep.

"I'll always care about you," he says, his voice low enough to not bother Gavin's sleep, and he reaches over to pat Gavin's hand twice before getting up and letting himself out of the room, to let Gavin sleep in peace.

He closes the door behind him carefully, and when he turns his leader is there, with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Conner," he says, his expression stormy, "We need to talk."

Gavins heart skips a beat at Conner's words and the touch of Conner's hand on his, and he opens his eyes and sits up, trying to think of something today in response, when he realizes Conner has left the room. He lifts himself up off the bed to follow him, stumbling a little as he makes his way towards the door, when he hears voices in the hall.

He leans against the door and listens.

Conner bristles immediately, standing up straight and mirroring the leader's posture.

"What about?" he says, frowning, and Benjamin scoffs.

"You know what about," he says, and Conner grits his teeth, moving to brush past.

"I told you already, I'm not doing it," Conner says, and Benjamin catches his arm when he tries to move away.

"What the hell happened to you, man? What, you don't care about helping people anymore?" Benjamin says fiercely and Conner savagely tears his arm out of his grip, "We could have the strongest biotic this side of the mass relay, we could make Cerberus history. You say jump, she says how high. That's it."

For a moment, Conner is furious he can only growl, his hands fisting at his sides in an effort to not punch Benjamin in the face.

"You're talking about manipulating a survivor into dangerous and violent situations, and I'm the one who's hurting people?" Conner says, starting to yell, "He's a fucking person, you asshole, he's not a weapon, he's not a tool, he's a person and his name is fucking Gavin!"

"Why do you care so much about that freak?" Benjamin yells back, and again
Conner has to swallow the urge to jump on him.

"Because I love him!" Conner shouts, and then glances anxiously at Gavin's door and lowers his voice, "Because you don't treat people like that if you care about them at all." Conner shakes his head, taking a step away and then stopping, "I can't... I can't deal with this bullshit anymore. I can't do this. You can take your fucking manipulative shit and shove it right up your ass, I'm leaving." Conner says, tearing off the Cerberus dog tags he still wore as a reminder of what he'd been fighting for and throwing them on the ground before turning on his heel and stalking off to his room to pack up his things.

Gavin's heart was pounding in his ears, now, so loud he was sure they could hear it on the other side of the door. With his back to the wall, he slides down to the floor, sitting there speechless for a moment while he tried to decide what to do. He thinks, for a moment, about waiting until he's sure Ben isn't standing outside the door anymore to go after Conner, but instead he finds himself rushing out the door anyway, pushing past him as he runs down the halls towards Conner's dorm.

He stops running when he gets to his door, and knocks softly as he catches his breath and tries to plan what he'll say when Conner actually opens it up.

Conner's sorting through his clothes when he hears the knock and he has to close his eyes for a moment to keep from losing control of his powers.

"Whatever it is, I don't care! I'm getting the fuck out of here," he yells towards the door, hearing the adolescent dramatics in his own voice and not caring. This isn't anything like when he'd gotten a tattoo at age 16 and his mom had threatened to kick him out; this is about finding something to believe in, and standing up for it. This is about hope.

"Conner, it's me," Gavin says, his voice coming out higher pitched than usual. He's still slightly out of breath from running after him.

"Can I come in?"

Conner freezes with a t-shirt in each hand, turning to stare wide-eyed at the door. Gavin being at his door right now can really only mean one thing: he heard that. Maybe he hadn't been asleep at all.

Conner pales, dread seeping through the blinding anger as he considers losing both his home for the last couple of years and his best friend. He moves over to the door slowly, hoping with every step that a black hole would open up and suck him in and save him from opening the door.

He makes it across the room in one piece though, and when he opens the door it only takes one glance at Gavin's flushed, panicked expression to tell Conner everything he needs to know. Conner groans, closing his eyes and tilting his forehead against the door.

"How much did you hear?"

"All of it," Gavin says, wringing his hands, "I...I heard everything and -- Conner, are you okay? I mean, that was a lot, I'm...I'm sorry, about everything, the way it turned out with your friends, this has to be really--"

He doesn't know how to approach the part where Conner had said he loved him, but he does finally gets up the nerve to look at Conner's face, and his breath catches in his throat.

"...Hard. For you."

Conner opens one eye, tilting his head to look blearily at Gavin. He's not sure why Gavin's talking talking about Conner leaving over his admission, but there's a strange brightness in Gavin's eyes that leaves Conner unsettled.

"I'm... fine," he says, but his voice is hollow as he steps back to open the door further and let Gavin inside, "Honestly, it's been coming for a while."

He closes the door and then sighs, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Look, Gavin, I never... Wanted you to find out. I thought you were asleep."

Gavin aches a little at the sadness in Conner's voice, and it makes it all the more frustrating that he can't get out what he wants to say, can't figure out how to tell him that he loves him, too, that he can't even envision his plans for the future anymore without Conner in them

"Conner," he says, trailing off. He musters the will to reach out, taking the hand he has pushed against his nose into his own and lowering it. He lets go of his hands and rests them on his shoulders, staring at his chest for a moment, before standing on his toes and kissing him hard on the mouth.

Even though Gavin is slow and obvious in his movements, Conner still gasps sharply at the press of his mouth. There's a short, tense moment where Conner tells himself to pull away and then can't manage it, and in the next moment he's making a small, broken noise into Gavin's mouth and hauling him closer by the back of his shirt.

He kisses Gavin like it's the only thing he's ever wanted, like he means to devour him whole, like Gavin's the most important thing in the whole universe. He hands come up to bury themselves in Gavin's hair and Conner moans again, helplessly, and then tears himself away. He turns and takes a half-step away, pressing the bak of a shaking hand to his mouth.

"Gavin, I--I can't, I don't... I can't do this to you," he says, breathing hard and squeezing his eyes shut, knowing he'll lose his resolve if he sees that hopelessly open look on Gavin's face.

The kiss nearly bowls Gavin over, and he stumbles backwards when it ends abruptly.

"No, no, no, come on," Gavin groans, closing the space between them and bringing his hands up to hold the sides of Conner's face, "What are you afraid you're going to do to me? I don't get it, Conner, I want you. I want you. Come on, please, look at me."

Gavin's words make start to shake against his resolve to leave Gavin alone, and at Gavin's request he slowly opens his eyes, giving Gavin a devastated look.

"How can you just... I left you there, Gavin, I left you there to be tortured and abused and--and die! How... How can you just forget that? How are you not afraid I'll do it again?" Conner asks, gently pulling away from Gavin's hands but not moving any further.

Conner's words nearly knock the wind out of him, and for a moment his mouth hangs open silently. He can't think of how to respond.

"I was...angry at you, for a long time," he says, "I was, but you...came back. You stuck with me, even when I was at my worst, when everyone else was ready to quit on me. You've been my friend, my best friend, sometimes my only friend."

He reaches out again, gripping the front of Conner's shirt this time.

"I love you," he says "I'm not forgetting. I'm just...forgiving."

Conner closes his eyes at Gavin's words, less because he's trying to resist and more because they're the things he's wanted to hear but never allowed himself to wish for. He reaches out, slowly, cupping Gavin's face in his hands and searching his face.

"I don't deserve you," he says finally, breathlessly, "I love you... more than I've ever loved anything." He closes the distance between them again, kissing Gavin softly at first but quickly gaining momentum.

"Also, I think you need more friends," he says into the kiss, laughing.

Gavin shrugs off the oversized jacket he was wearing and let it fall to the floor, wrapping his arms quickly around Conner's shoulders and kissing him deeply. He lets out a small laugh at Conner's comment, which turns into a small, somewhat desperate moan as Conner's tongue presses into his mouth.

He takes a few small, suggestive steps backward toward Conner's bed, breaking their lips apart and opening his eyes just enough to gauge Conner's reaction.

It takes Conner a beat to understand Gavin's meaning, and then he glances over Gavin's shoulder to his own bed and it clicks. He considers it at first, thinks about pulling back and talking about what this means and where they should go from here, but then he sees the flushed, eager look on Gavin's face and starts to smile. He thinks they've waited long enough.

He moves quickly, wrapping his arms around Gavin and practically tackling him back onto the bed. He puts his hands on the bed on either side of Gavin's head and pushes himself up, laughing as he looms over Gavin.

"Talking's overrated, right?"

"Yeah, shut up already," Gavin jokes, sounding slightly out of breath. He sits up, pulling his shirt and binder off over his head in one movement, and he brings Conner back down on top of him when he lies back on the bed. His hands go down to Conner's waist, and he sticks his thumbs in the belt loops of his pants.

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