who_is_she | imagine going through your whole life looking like that

imagine going through your whole life looking like that

It had been months since the accident, and things were just starting to get back to normal. Roddie was finally relaxing, and not having to keep his eye on Tony every single moment, and the rest of the crew was back to their normal selves, laughing and joking and teasing Tony within an inch of his life. Most of the time, Tony was all right as well. His physical injuries had all healed, aside from a slight lingering ache, but the difficulties he was still having were not physical in nature. He'd started getting nervous in small, tight places--which happened quite often on Roddie's ship, which was just barely large enough for five people and a robot. And, as he'd just learned, the idea of entering a real cave made his break out in a cold sweat.

They were on a salvage operation, as they'd discovered an old, abandoned craft that had been hidden inside an underground base. At one time, there had been a large hanger bay with doors that opened to allow the ship to leave, but in the years since it had rusted shut, which meant they had to make their way through the small tunnel passages to the ship, pack up what they wanted to take, and then carry it back through the tunnels to their own ship.

Tony had so far managed to avoid actually going into the place, busying himself instead with other menial work on the ship, like logging the parts and supplies they'd found so far, and checking the place thoroughly for any traps that could be detected from the scanners on the ship, and anything else that sounded halfway-important. He didn't want to admit to anybody that he didn't want to enter the cave, either, so he was doing his best to cover up his emotions and act normal, while still avoiding the tunnels at all costs. He knew if he told any one of the crew it would get back to Roddie, and the whole ordeal had been stressful enough on him, and Tony didn't want to worry him needlessly when it wasn't a big deal.

"Hey, Tony, looks like there's some kind of computer thing here," Zakeef calls over the comms, and Tony's eyes go wide, "We're not sure what it is, do you wanna come take a look?" Tony feels a tremor run through him at the request, simple though it is, and while he's scrambling for an excuse, the line goes dead for a moment.

"Tony? You there?" Zakeef calls again, and Tony scrambles to answer.

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm here, uh... I'm kinda tied up with this... Inventory," he says, wincing a little at how unconvincing that sounds, "I'm sure Vira could give you a hand."

"All right," Zakeef says, not questioning it, and Vira responds with an "On my way!" and Tony breathes a sigh of relief at a bullet dodged.

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Roddie was exhausted, having spent the better part of several days doing heavy lifting, manually moving crates of gear onto the ship, and when Boscha had offered to give him a break he had taken it gladly. He chats with Ajax for a minute, making sure he was keeping a log of their inventory before he hoists himself back up on his sore muscles and heading towards the mouth of the cave to see what the others were up to. He spots Tony standing a little ways away from the entrance, and waves at him before heading his way.

"Hey," he says, smiling at him and patting him on the back once he's close enough and leaning up to plant a kiss on his jaw. He'd been too wrapped up in their work to remember to shave for a few days, and his stubble scratches lightly at Tony's face.

"Aren't you cold? It's chilly out here."

He's already taking his jacket off and draping it over Tony's shoulders, and as he does he peeks over Tony's shoulders at the tablet in his hands.

"Inventory? You know, Ajax can probably do that stuff. I was gonna take a break right after I check on Zakeef and Vira. We could, you know, relax a little, if you want."

Tony jumps a little when Roddie appears, as he'd thought he was in the caves with the others.

"I'm fine," He says, but Roddie gives him his jacket anyways, and he smiles over at him, feeling a little of the panic running under his skin wash away at his affection.

His eyebrows go up at Roddie's suggestion, a smirk spreading over his face. That certainly sounds like a good distraction from the caves.

"Relax?" he says, turning towards Roddie and putting his arms around him, "Is that what we're calling it now?"

Roddie snickers, hugging Tony around his waist and tilting his head down in his slight embarrassment.

"Hey, I actually meant relax, like, for real," he laughs, "Well, I mean, sort of, I was thinking about it a little, but then my arm and my leg are all sore, but then I was like well, we could work around that, probably, if we ended up there, so...I wouldn't be...opposed."

He looks up at Tony on the last word and raises his eyebrows uncertainly, tilting his head and giving him a crooked smile that revealed his silver tooth.

"I'm gonna see how they're doing down there, first, though," he says, reluctantly, pulling away but still holding onto Tony's hand, "You want to come with? They told me they've got some weird computer stuff they can't crack, you might take a quick look. Like I said, Ajax can take care of inventory, probably way better than any of us, so don't worry about that."

Edited 2015-05-11 13:27 (UTC)

Tony smiles up at Roddie, right up until he suggests going inside the cave, at which point the smile falls off his face. Roddie takes away his excuse, too, so Tony is left floundering for an excuse. His mouth hangs open for a moment and then he swallows, his gaze pulled inexorably towards the main mouth of the cave, fear in his eyes for a moment before he shuts it down, his expression going blank.

"I, um," he says, avoiding Roddie's eyes and pasting on a smile, "I can't. I... wanted to do one more sweep for traps, before you guys start taking apart the engine."

Roddie's brow furrows, and he looks at him quizically as he reaches into the pocket of his pants, pulling out a cigarette and pinching it between his lips as he lights it.

"Another one?" he says, watching his face suspiciously as he takes a drag, "What's this, number five? We don't need another one. And besides, we said we weren't going to start taking it apart until tomorrow, you've got all night, and then some."

He puffs a few times, then sticks his cigarette in his ear and crosses his arms.

"Is something the matter?" he asks, seriously, "You're acting...weird. And you're fake smiling, like a mannequin."

"I'm fine," he says, the smile falling off his face and he turns away, scratching the back of his neck.

"I just... Want to make sure it's safe," he says with a shrug, shifting back and forth. He wishes he could think of something better to blame his behavior on, something that would quell Roddie's suspicion without bringing up the incident, but he can't stop glancing at the mouth of the cave, imagining the sound his breathing echoing against rocks, and unbelievable pain.

"You can, um, go ahead. I'll catch up," He says in a last-ditch effort.

Roddie's brow furrows further, and he glances between Tony and the mouth of the tunnel, puzzling for a moment before taking a step towards the cave. He pulls the cigarette out of his ear, and raises it to his mouth to smoke it, before the dots connect in his head. He lowers his hand from his mouth and turns back to Tony.

"You...don't want to go in the tunnel," he says, pointing at him as him as it starts to make sense, "Because you're scared, because..."

He trails off, feeling his stomach twist at the memory. It hadn't been at the front of his mind these past few weeks, but now, knowing Tony had still been silently struggling with it, possibly in ways he hadn't even noticed, he feels like it should have been.

"...Tony, baby," he says, his voice pained and deeply sympathetic, and he drops his unfinished cigarette on the ground and stepping on it before closing the space between them and putting a hand on Tony's shoulder, "You coulda just told me, I would have...I know nobody would have asked if they knew it was --"

He presses his lips together and glances away. He felt stupid for hoping that Tony's lack of vocalization of any lingering trauma meant that he was adjusting well, rather than indicating that Tony was struggling with them alone.

"I'm fine, Roddie, I swear," Tony says, leaning into the touch anyways. He's a little relieved that it's out in the open now, but the pained expression on Roddie's face is exactly the one he wanted to avoid.

"I didn't..." He starts, and then sighs, "I didn't want you to worry. Not when you're just now... I'm fine, I just... I can't go in there." He shakes his head, fear coloring his last words.

"Hey, don't," Roddie says, raising his hand, "You don't have to downplay it, I know, you know I can't talk to doctors. Just...I'd rather know what's going on with you than have you keep this kind of thing from me 'cause you're worried about how it'll make me feel, I just --"

He cuts himself off, squeezing Tony's arm gently before backing away.

"I'm gonna go check on them, but I'll come right back, just...stay here." He heads down the tunnel in a half jog, and returns a few minutes later with a small bag of parts Zakeef had given him to sort through for later. When he rejoins Tony he puts an arm around him, guiding him away from the tunnel opening and back towards the ship.

"Let's just...take that break, yeah," he says, his heart still aching a little as he rubs his arm up and down Tony's back.

Tony opens his mouth to object but Roddie's already gone, so he sighs and turns away from the cave.

"I'm fine," he insists, "I'm handling it. I didn't want to worry you when there's nothing... To worry about." He shrugs, sighing and leaning into Roddie as they make their way back into the ship.

Roddie frowns all the way to his quarters, and hugs Tony closer to him as they walk. Chance greets them when they come aboard, and Roddie rubs his head absently as he opens the sliding door to his room and ushers Tony inside.

"You dealing with PTSD is not nothing to worry about," he says, looking up at him and holding both of Tony's hands in his own, "That's serious stuff, and you don't need to keep it from me just because you're...worried about...how I was affected by all that, I--"

He chews his lip, fighting the awful feeling in his gut that came with remembering the feeling of almost losing him.

"I want to know how you're doing with it," he says, stroking his hand up and down Tony's forearm, "And I don't want to...put you in a situation like that, ever. Everybody understands, and...you can talk to me. I'm here for you. Always."

He swallows, looking up at him earnestly.

"I love you," he says, "I don't want you to feel like that."

Tony chews his lip and frowns while Roddie speaks, hating the sad expression on Roddie's face, and reaches up to stroke his cheek.

"I'm okay," he repeats again, leaning forward to press his forehead against Roddie's, "I love you too. And I have been... fine, I mean, if it was anything... Big, I would have brought it up." He sighs, moving to wrap his arms around Roddie's middle and hold him close.

"I've just been... Getting nervous, sometimes, in small spaces. And there's... a lot of small spaces on the ship," he swallows, turning his face into Roddie's shoulder, "It just... it takes me back there, everything echoing, and the pain..." He trails off, his hands clenching in Roddie's shirt, and his throat closes up before he can say anything else.

"Hey, hey," Roddie says gently, his heart aching at the tone in Tony's voice, "It's okay, Tony, it's okay." He rubs his hands up and down Tony's back, kissing his forehead several times.

"You just...let me know when you're feeling like that, and we can...try and find somewhere to land where you can get out in the open, okay?" He says, pulling back far enough to look him in the eyes, "I mean it, it's no trouble at all. You don't feel...like that now, do you, in here, do you?"

He strokes his thumb over Tony's cheek, tilting his head to the side and looking at him with concern.

Tony smiles a little, warmed by Roddie's concern, feeling soothed just by his presence.

"No, I'm... I'm okay. You make me feel good," he says, smiling, and then hears himself and chuckles at his own words, "I mean, you know, safe. Among other things." He takes a deep breath, turning his face into Roddie's neck.

"Thank you, for looking after me," he says, pulling back to look Roddie in the eyes, "I love you so much.." He kisses Roddie on the mouth, more deeply than before.

Roddie opens his mouth to respond, but is muffled when Tony leans in and kisses him.

"Mmf lmmf you too," he hums against his mouth, relieved by the gesture and the assurance that Tony felt all right, and he opens his mouth eagerly into the kiss. He wraps his arms around Tony, under his arms, and tentatively touches the exposed skin between the bottom of Tony's shirt and the top of his pants, not wanting to seem like he was trying to initiate anything Tony wasn't in the mood for but eager to feel his skin all the same.

Tony shivers at the fingers on his skin, making a soft humming sound into the kiss and tightening his grip on the back on Roddie's shirt, and this time it's not because of fear or memory. He licks his way into Roddie's mouth, nibbling on his bottom lip and making the kiss more passionate.

He always found Roddie the most irresistible when he was like this; sweet, caring, selfless. Hell, it was what had drawn Tony to him in the first place, his big heart and his sweet nature, and he just wanted to kiss him whenever it was pointed at him.

He puts his arms up around Roddie's shoulders, pulling him closer and pressing their bodies together, communicating his desire.

"Roddie," he whispers against his mouth, moaning softly.

"Yeah, yeah," Roddie mumbles huskily, feeling his skin grow hot as Tony presses up against him and moans his name. He accepts his invitation eagerly, pushing his hands further up Tony's shirt and feeling the skin there as he returns his kisses with deep affection. After a few moments he turns away from Tony's mouth, leaving sucking kisses instead on his jaw, ear, and neck. Gently, not pulling away from where he was now kissing at his collarbone, he lies him back on the bed and rests some of his weight on top of him.

"Beard's not scratching too bad, is it?" he mumbles into his ear, half jokingly, as he remembers the stubble he'd accidentally cultivated over the last few days, "You want me to shave first?"

Tony laughs breathlessly, his arms tightening around Roddie's neck and keeping him from going anywhere.

"It's fine. You're not going anywhere," he says, his hands rubbing down Roddie's back and grabbing two handfuls of his ass, spreading his legs under Roddie and arching his hips up into him. He feels Roddie's stubble scratch against him and he chuckles again, reaching one hand up to scratch his fingers over Roddie's cheek.

"You look good. But if you, you know, want to shave later..." he smirks, his smile fading a little when he gasps and moans, his erection pressing up against Roddie's abdomen.

"Roddie," he moans, and then his eyes open when he remembers something, "Are you all right? You said you were sore."

"It's not so bad," Roddie says, shaking his head and laughing quietly, despite the way his arm was quivering under his weight. He shifts his weight to his prosthetic arm and steadies himself on it.

"Just...been lifting a lot," he says, moving his now free hand down the length of Tony's body and rubbing and squeezing his erection through his pants as he continues kissing his jaw, "I'm good."

"What do you want?" he asks, pulling his head back to look at him and wetting his lips.

Tony moans, tilting his head back and jerking his hips up into Roddie's grip. He opens his eyes to look up at Roddie, his eyes dark and full of desire.

"I want... you to fuck me," he whispers, breathing hard, and then looks up at Roddie's arm, biting his lip, "I could ride you. Then you could relax." He reaches up to rub his hand over Roddie's good arm, massaging the muscle there.

"Yeah," Roddie says, nodding as he leans in again to nibble at Tony's ear and feeling grateful for the suggestion despite his own insistence that he was fine, "Yeah, that sounds...really good."

He sits up, reluctantly tearing himself away from Tony's neck long enough to pull his shirt off over his head. He was still wearing his mud caked work boots as well, and he kicks those off onto the floor as well before lying back down on his side on the bed beside Tony. He easily unfastens Tony's pants one handed slips his hand into the elastic waistband of Tony's underwear, wrapping his fingers around Tony's cock and stroking him idly a few times.

Tony bites his lip, rolling onto his side and then looking down between them, watching Roddie's hand on his cock. After a few strokes he half-moans, half-growls, shoving Roddie onto his back and rolling on top of him, leaning down to kiss him hard, his hands groping at his chest, his right hand finding his nipple and fingering it idly as they kissed.

He pulled back abruptly, sitting up to undo a couple of buttons at the top of his shirt and then yank it over his head and throw it away, then reaching down to unfasten Roddie's pants and shove them down around his thighs. He wiggles out of his own slacks and underwear, tossing them away with his shirt. When he settles back over Roddie he sighs softly, putting his hands on Roddie's lower abdomen and slowly feeling upwards, his eyes tracking the movement of his hands and ogling Roddie's body.

"You're so hot," he sighed softly, leaning back up to kiss Roddie, his hips thrusting down to rub their erections together, "And I love you."

Roddie laughs a little, overwhelmed by Tony's enthusiasm. He returns his kiss eagerly, moaning quietly into his mouth when Tony starts to move against him.

"Yeah, you too," he chuckles breathlessly, obviously distracted as his hands rove over Tony's back and up and down his sides, "I love you, yeah, that's good, Tony." His kisses become less focused as the friction between them starts to take up most of his attention, and he moves a hand between them, wrapping it around both of their cocks and stroking them languidly as he holds them together. He grips Tony's hip with his other hand, and helps guide his pace.

Tony moans again, louder, thrusting down against Roddie and gasping, losing himself in the movement for a minute.

"Oh, fuck," he swears, pushing himself up against Roddie's chest, so he can sit up. He makes an aborted movement towards the bedside drawer, but Roddie's hand on his cock is too distracting, and he ends up just hovering there, his eyes closed and his breath coming out hard and shivery.

"God, fuck, all right, hang on," he says, reaching down to pull Roddie's hand off so he can sit up and bend over Roddie to reach the drawer, yanking it open and taking out the lube and a condom, which he drops onto Roddie's chest.

"You do it."

"Okay, okay," Roddie huffs, shaking a little in anticipation. He can't help but laugh a little more, overwhelmed by Tony's enthusiasm. He tears open the condom package with his teeth and rolls it on before coating his fingers with a generous amount of the lube. He sits up slightly and reaches down, breaching Tony slowly before he starts working his fingers back and forth inside him.

Roddie watches his face, not as intently focused on prepping him as he could have been, paying much closer attention to the extremely gratifying expression on Tony's voice and the sounds he was making. He pushes his fingers deeper inside him and puts pressure on his prostate as he squeezes his ass with his other hand.

"How's that feel?" he asks huskily, breathing against Tony's cheek.

Tony nods vigorously at first, not quite hearing the question, distracted by sensation.

"Ffffff--fuck, yeah, good, it's good," he pants, his arms shaking slightly as they hold him up, one of them reaching up to grab Roddie's shoulder tightly. He throws his head back and hisses, his expression almost looking painful, except for how it was followed with a loud, breathy moan.

"Oh God, fuck, all right, I'm ready," he says, swallowing thickly and nodding, raising up on his knees and letting Roddie's fingers slip out of him. It was perhaps less preparation than he had been needing, but with how often they'd been doing this lately he didn't need as much. He picks up the lube to squirt some on Roddie's cock, stroking it a few times to spread the lube before he wraps his hand around the base, adjusting his stance until he's poised over Roddie.

He takes a deep breath and presses down, gritting his teeth at the blunt pressure and the stretch, both hands planted on Roddie's chest, his nails biting into Roddie's skin.

Roddie groans as Tony comes down on him, sliding his hands up Tony's thighs to his hips and resisting the urge to push up into the tightness that was surrounding his cock. With a concentrated effort he's able to relax back onto the bed, looking up from where he'd been watching himself disappear between Tony's legs, and fixing his eyes on his face instead. He brings his lubricated hand around and wraps it around Tony's erection, stroking him slowly.

"You okay?" he asks, his voice unsteady, "W-was that enough?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's good," he says urgently, nodding, slowly raising his hips and then pressing back down. He does this a few times to get Roddie's whole length inside him and sliding easily, and then he leans down, resting his weight on his elbows on either side of Roddie's head so he can kiss him while he moves his hips.

He has no intention of this being over quickly, which it won't be in this position. It's not easy to make hard, fast thrusts, so Tony just presses close to Roddie and flexes his hips back and forth, moving at a slower pace. He licks into Roddie's mouth, kissing him deeply and then pulling back to breath and look into his eyes.

Roddie moans into Tony's kisses, bringing one hand up to cup his jaw while he continues to stroke him with his other hand, matching the easy pace Tony was setting. He runs his hand back through Tony's hair, brushing it out of his face affectionately and meeting Tony's eyes with his own. His hand travels downward, carressing Tony's shoulder and upper arm, then stroking over his sides, then scratching gently at his lower back.

"Yeah, that's nice," he mumbles quietly, kissing at his chin and breathing hard through his nose.

"Yeah," Tony agrees, nodding, shivering at Roddie's touch, "It's good. You feel good." He breaks away from Roddie's mouth, dropping his forehead onto the pillow next to Roddie's head, breathing hotly against his ear.

"Oh, fuck, Roddie," he moans, moving harder and faster against him and starting to get frustrated with the slow pace that wasn't quite enough, "So good." He pushes himself up on his arms again so he can bounce over Roddie's lap, gasping and moaning as he fucked himself on Roddie's cock.

Roddie's moaning grows more pronounced as Tony starts to ride him harder, and he begins stroking him faster, matching Tony's pace with his hand but keeping his movements varied so Tony doesn't get too used to it. The sensations start to get dizzying, and Roddie grips Tony's hip a little harder with his other hand, pushing up into him as Tony bears down on him.

"God," he pants desperately, the muscles in his neck straining as he tips his head back and closes his eyes, "Oh my god, fucking hell, Tony."

"Fuck, yeah," Tony groans with feeling, sweat breaking out over his forehead from exertion as he moves faster and harder over Roddie, arching his back so Roddie's cock pushes against his prostate on every thrust.

"Fuck! Oh, fuck! Yeah, Roddie, yeah, God that's so fucking good I'm--" Tony says, his voice raising in volume as he nears climax, "I'm gonna come, fuck, fuck!"

Roddie feels his cheeks flushing and sweat pooling on his brow as he nears climax, and he can only nod breathlessly in response to Tony's shouting, tipping his head back and gritting his teeth as he thrusts up into him. He holds himself back as long as he can, waiting for Tony and not letting himself come until Tony does. As soon as he sees the look on Tony's face that tells him he's there he makes a few final thrusts and releases, his breath catching as he comes inside him, filling the condom. When he starts breathing again he's huffing and gasping through his open mouth.

"T-Tony--" he pants, his mouth hot and dry, "Oh...God, Tony."

Tony swears loudly and colorfully, his rhythm going erratic as he nears the edge and then hurdles over it, shuddering all over and moaning as he comes all over Roddie's hand and chest. His orgasm is made all the more intense by the feeling of Roddie coming inside him, and he makes a high keening sound as his orgasm drags on for a long moment before it starts to fade.

His arms give out and he falls onto Roddie's chest, gasping for breath and laughing.

"Sorry," he mumbles, shifting a little off to the side, "Oh, Roddie," he moans, rubbing his hands over Roddie's chest.

Roddie huffs out a laugh when Tony collapses on him, wiping his hand on his pants that were still down around his thighs before wrapping his arms tight around Tony's middle and hugging him close. He presses several kisses to the top of Tony's head and then just breathes into his hair until he's breathing normally into his hair.

"So that was...good," he laughs, swallowing dryly and kissing Tony's head again. He reluctantly lets go of him and sits up just long enough to discard the condom and remove his pants, and when he lies back down with him he brings the blankets up over them both.

"A lot better than moving boxes," he says, grinning and letting his eyes fall half shut as he looks in Tony's eyes, "Which I should...probably get back to. Eventually. After we lie here for a few min...hours."

"Mmm," Tony agrees, smiling without opening his eyes, pleasantly exhausted and riding a wave of afterglow, "Very good. Much better than boxes or tunnels." He sighs, turning his head up to crack his eyes open and smile at Roddie.

"You can go back to lifting boxes, and I promise I'll give you a nice, long backrub when you get back," he rubs his hand up Roddie's chest and scratches at his stubble, and he has to admit he's relieved he doesn't have to lie anymore, "Maybe you guys can set up a video feed and I can check on the computers that way."

"Yeah, a backrub sounds good," he says, closing his eyes slowly and kissing Tony's mouth, "I'll go...soon. Maybe."

He kisses the bridge of Tony's nose and sighs contentedly, but cracks one eye open at the suggestion of setting up a video feed.

"Yeah?" he says, ruffling Tony's hair affectionately, "I bet we could do that, or get you remote access, or something. We'll figure it out. I didn't tell the others yet, I didn't know if you...wanted them to know or not, but they'll get it, I'm sure."

He reaches up for the hand Tony has on his face, holding it to his mouth and kissing it as he lets his eyes fall shut again.

"I love you," he mumbles against his fingers, "So much. More than anything."

"You can tell them, I don't mind," he says softly, watching Roddie through half closed eyes. He has to close his eyes at the rush of affection and emotion at Roddie's declaration, because it's so good and pure and he still feels undeserving of it, especially when he puts that frown on Roddie's face, and that heartaching look in his eyes.

He has to take a few deep breaths before he can answer, then he moves his fingers so he can kiss Roddie's mouth and cheek, peppering his face with kisses.

"I love you more than I ever thought I could love anybody."

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imagine going through your whole life looking like that

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