who_is_she | (no subject)

(no subject)

Tony felt the crash of earth and stone down to his bones, and he knew. He knew like the feeling of his heart getting torn from his chest that Roddie was gone, in the forever sense. It was like the confirmation of the small, niggling fear that had lived in the corner of his mind since he'd been stationed with Roddie, a year ago. That fear that came with trusting and loving people--the fear that they would leave just as quickly as they had come.

He stares, stunned and broken, and senses the others turn to look at him, as if waiting for an eruption, but nothing happens. Tony turns to his wrist-mounted scanner, scanning the cave-in for any sign of life, but it came back negative.

Tony knows with sudden, stunning clarity what it feels like to be a hollow stone statue, seeing the world pass by but not interacting with it or affecting it in any way. He doesn't cry, and he doesn't scream, and he doesn't beg or bargain or anything sensible. He just turns off, he feels it happen, feels the access to his emotions and his expressions shut off. He thinks he's scaring the others, but he doesn't really care.

Zakeef tries to talk to him, mentions he ran a few more tests and Ajax discovered that a material in the rocks was interfering with their scanners, and though he tries to inspire hope and confidence in Tony he doesn't succeed. An hour later, Tony addresses the crew and announces that he's going to find Roddie's body, for a proper funeral, and then catch the nearest ride to the nearest station--one of them could take the ship.

They argue with him and yell and plead, but he doesn't hear a word.

He gets to work analyzing the substance in the rocks so he can make sure the scanners will pick up organic substances. It takes him nearly ten hours but he does it, manages to set it up and map the location of the tunnels, and of Roddie. Ajax is the only one helping him, the only one talking to him, and he helps to get a mining drill running while Tony uses the scanner. Tony finds a deposit of organic material in the approximate location where Roddie's communicator got smashed, and he marks the location and starts mapping the fastest route.

Then, something on the scanner... shifts. The organic deposit isn't in the same place, shifted a little to the left, and it's barely anything but it's further than a dead body should be able to move. He hadn't even thought to recalibrate the life signs scanner, but he does it now, his heart in his throat.

"He's... He's there. Oh my god, Ajax, start drilling!" he shouts, the scanner showing one life sign among the rocks.

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Ajax moves a safe distance away from the cave-in to avoid triggering another, and begins drilling immediately. It's a long, arduous process, especially with Tony's shouting and urging him to go faster than he possibly could, but eventually he's able to create a hole in the rock large enough for a human to fit easily inside.

Roddie had spent the last day slipping in and out of consciousness, at times screaming himself hoarse from the pain coming from his crushed limbs and at times lying silently, barely able to keep himself breathing. He'd barely registered the sound of the drilling at all, much less had the presence of mind to wonder what it was, or whether he was hallucinating it. Right now, his focus is on his water cantine, which had fallen just out of his reach, and he tries weakly one more time to reach for it, coughing weakly from the dust the cave-in had filled his lungs with, when he notices that the once dark tunnel has been flooded with light. He squints his eyes at the source, and only just has the sense to guess at who it was.

"Tony? Guys?" he rasps, his head spinning.

Ajax is the one in the tunnel, the one who sees him first, but he has the sense to turn on his radio, so Tony hears Roddie's voice. His eyes blur with tears immediately, and it feels like something cracks open in his chest, something that had closed off.

"It's all right, Agent Juarez," Ajax says, as Tony stumbles and falls, his legs giving out underneath him, "I'm with Anthony, we're going to get you out of here." It takes some time for Ajax to carefully extract Roddie and bring him to the surface, and Tony's still crying, almost hyperventilating, his face soaking wet with the tears he hadn't been able to express before.

Roddie's not in good shape, covered in blood with his arm and leg both bloody and at odd angles. He's apparently well enough to lay on the ground, though, which is where Ajax lays him, saying he's going to fetch the others and a stretcher, and Tony is silently glad for the moment alone.

"Roddie..." he says, kneeling next to his body, not touching him, his hands hovering over him like he's afraid he'll disappear if he touches him, "Roddie, Roddie," he sobs, shaking like a leaf.

"Hey," Roddie says, smiling a little around a mouthful of blood and opening his black, swollen eye as best as he can to look at him. The shock of the long and painful extraction process has his head spinning, but he has the sense to shakily raise his uninjured hand and curl his fingers around one of Tony's hovering hands.

"It's okay, Tony," he says rasps, struggling not to pass out again, "It's all right, I don't...know how much longer I can stay awake, though."

"It's okay," he says, the meaning of his words hollow with the way he's sobbing and shaking, "We.. We've got you, you'll be okay, I love you Roddie, I love you so much." Tony collapses over Roddie's shoulder, still careful of his injuries, and Roddie is passed out by the time Ajax gets back.

~

They rush Roddie to the nearest medical center, with Ajax's medical knowledge keeping him stable until they can get him to the hospital. Tony refuses to leave his side until the doctors at the hospital takes over, and he doesn't sleep or rest, sitting vigil in the waiting room until he's allowed to wait in Roddie's room for him to wake up. He's managed to stop crying finally, but it's obvious by his red, puffy eyes that he's been crying in fits and spurts since they found Roddie.

The others still aren't really talking to him, but they've all loosened since Roddie was found and is now safe. He feels guilty and horrible now, that he shut down so completely and cut himself off from people he loves, but he's still too tense and upset to do anything about it. He just needs to know that Roddie's okay.

He's sitting in Roddie's room, staring out the window and not really seeing anything, listening intently to the steady beeping of the machinery that Roddie's hooked up to.

Roddie is barely able to open his eyes when he feels himself coming back to consciousness, but after a few bleary blinks he's able to open his unswollen eye and look around the room. It takes him a minute to realize he's not still trapped under the rocks, and his heart monitor starts beating a little faster in his panic before he spots Tony sitting in the chair next to his bed.

"Tony," he mumbles, the morphine causing him to slur his speech, "J-Jesus, is this even real, I've been seeing some things."

Tony startles, his head jerking over to stare at Roddie, and the sound of his voice makes his eyes tear up again.

"Yeah, Roddie, it's real, you're safe," he says, getting up to drag his chair closer to the bed, "You're in the hospital. How do you feel?" His voice is shaking badly, and tears are streaming down his face, and he wipes at them ineffectually. After a moment of hesitation his gives up on wiping at his face and reaches out, taking Roddie's uninjured hand in both of his, holding it tightly.

"All right," he mumbles hoarsely, giving him a half smile, "Floaty. Sleepy. I can't feel much, really."

In his half-aware state he only just notices Tony is sobbing, and he frowns, pulling his hand to his mouth and kissing it weakly, the way he often did.

"Hey," he says gently, "Hey, Tony, don't cry, what's the matter, baby?"

Roddie's kisses and half-coherent mumbling just make Tony cry harder, and he leans over the bed, leaning his head against Roddie's hip.

"You were gone," he sobs weakly, his voice hoarse, "You were dead, I felt it, I knew it, I thought... I thought I was alone again, Roddie." His voice takes on a note of desperation, his shoulders trembling.

Roddie tugs on his hand gently when he starts to cry harder, urging him silently to lie in the hospital bed beside him.

"Hey, hey," he says, kissing his knuckles several more times and trying to bring himself to his senses. Tony's words make Roddie's heart sink, and he clutches his hand tighter.

"You're not alone, it's okay, it's all right," he says, stroking his hand up his arm and over his shoulder, "I'm here, and you've got the others, too, everything's all right, lie down with me."

Tony shakes his head violently, resisting Roddie's urging, feeling like he doesn't deserve that comfort when Roddie's in this state, when Tony hadn't believed, when he'd turned on everyone.

"I don't... even know if that's true. I just... I shut off, Roddie, I shut them out. I said I was gonna leave, and I would have, too. Just shut myself off from everything and leave." He chokes a little and has to stop speaking, just breathing shakily for a long moment, his face still turned into the blanket.

"It was selfish, and they... they're furious. They should be, I was horrible," he mumbles, shaking his head.

"Tony, baby," Roddie says, closing his eyes and hugging Tony's hand to his chest, "No offense, but you're not the best at gaging how people feel towards you. You're being too hard on yourself, you have to --"

Roddie looks down, at where Tony's head was rested in his lap, and he frowns, a sympathetic noise escaping him involuntarily.

"Jesus, Tony, you're a mess," he sighs, combing his fingers through Tony's hair and blinking slowly, "Just -- c'mere, you haven't slept or anything, just -- please, for me, I'll feel better if you lie here with me a while."

Tony makes a heartfelt groan at Roddie's request, knowing he can't refuse him when he phrases it like that. He reluctantly sits up and then slides into bed alongside Roddie, laying along his uninjured side and touching him gingerly, sniffling and sobbing still.

"Roddie," he says miserably, feeling the last of his walls crumbling away at Roddie's warmth pressed against him, and he couldn't stop the tears if he tried, burying his face in Roddie's shoulder.

Roddie puts his good arm around his shoulders and holds him to him, stroking up and down his arm and back. He kisses his forehead, and leaves his mouth pressed there as he closes his eyes again.

"I know, I know," he mumbles against his skin, "It's gonna be okay, Tony, I got you. You can touch me, I'm not gonna break any more, just watch the IV."

He kisses his forehead several more times before letting out a long sigh, deeply comforted by Tony's presence.

"I was...afraid I wouldn't see you again," he admits quietly, keeping his tone lighter than he felt, "I...thought about you a lot...in there. I prayed for the first time in, like, six years while I was down there. I'm not sure whether I have him to thank or you."

Tony laughs a little, through his tears, relaxing enough to hold Roddie closer.

"I wasn't... looking for you, really, I thought... Ten tons of rock got dropped on your head, I couldn't..." Tony pauses, swallowing and shuddering, "I just wanted to find your body. I wanted to give you a proper burial. So... Maybe there was extra help from somewhere."

Roddie lightens up a little more when Tony laughs, and he encourages Tony's attempt to move closer. For a moment he forgets his arm is suspended in a cast and attempts to move it to brush a tear off of Tony's cheek, with little success.

"Well, they didn't fall on my head," he laughs quietly, after wincing a little at the dull jolt of pain he'd gotten from trying to move his arm, "Just my everything else."

He turns his head to the side to look in Tony's eyes and give him a faint smile, kissing the bridge of his nose softly as he settles in comfortably beside him.

"I love you," he says, "Thought I wasn't gonna get to tell you that again."

"Me too," he says weakly, his tears slowing as he almost unconsciously starts to relax in Roddie's arms, the hours of exhaustion since he'd slept last finally catching up with him.

"I'm sorry, Roddie," he says, his eyes closing as he relaxes his head against Roddie's shoulder, "I'm sorry." He's not even sure what he's apologizing for, just that he feels vaguely guilty.

"I haven't slept in," he opens an eye blearily to glance at his watch, "Almost forty hours."

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