who_is_she | stop saying i look like chicken little

stop saying i look like chicken little

Minh was thinking about quitting. The job was shit, the pay was small, and he wasn't fond of any of his coworkers. It wasn't really bad enough to make him quit, though, and he needed the money in any case. He wasn't sure he could get anything better than a minimum wage burger flipping job with a psychology degree half finished.

Minh stands up straight from his morose thoughts about his mediocre life situation when a familiar face walks in, someone he recognizes from one of his classes. He brightens considerably, expecting his classmate to come to the counter and order something, but his face falls when the classmate just waltzes past the counter and doesn't even glance Minh's way. His name was Billy, Minh remembered.

They'd helped each other a few times in their classes, sharing notes and homework assignments, but all of Minh's attempts at small talk had ended up against the solid brick wall of Billy's personality. Billy wasn't interested in sharing, and Minh's numerous attempts at breaking through that wall had been ignored. Something about Billy just seemed kind of... off. Like he was going through some stuff. Like maybe he needed a friend. He seemed interesting, too, and Minh was lamenting how he'd never get a real chance to be that friend when his boss came out of the back offices, Billy at his heel wearing a new uniform. Minh glances between them, visibly brightening as he puts the clues together, even before his manager starts to introduce him.

"Hey Minh, this is Billy, he just started today."

"Yeah! I know him! We go to school together!" Minh says brightly, and his manager blinks between them.

"Well, great, 'cause you're gonna show him the ropes."

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All Billy's hopes of going about his business relatively unnoticed at this new job of his crumble when he sees Minh light up at the boss's instructions. At first, he'd hoped maybe Minh wouldn't recognize him, but it was clear now that this wasn't going to be the case.

"Hey, uh, Minh," he says, his voice going a little raspy as he forces a smile, "It's good to see you." It wasn't entirely a lie, and that's part of what Billy was afraid of. In the month and a half since he'd moved to California, he'd managed to be friendly with everyone he met without really making friends with anyone. Most of the people he'd met in his apartment building so far were older women, so he was able to socialize with them when the need arose without worrying about making a close friend who would want to spend more time with him than was necessary.

But Minh was different. Minh was his age, Minh was in several of his college classes with him, Minh was so nice and so open to him in ways that he desperately wanted someone to be, and that was exactly why he had to keep him as distant as he possibly could.

The loud rumbling of his stomach breaks him out of his anxious daydream, and he tries not to keel over from the force of it. He clenches his teeth hard and tries not to think about how much worse it was going to be later if it was this nad now; the hunger got worse at night.

"Sorry," he laughs, wetting his lips, "Haven't...eaten lunch."

Minh's eyebrows go up at the rumbling, and his expression creases with worry.

"Well, we'll have to wait for lunch, but maybe I can convince the manager to let us go a little early, huh?" he says, smiling encouragingly, then slaps a hand on Billy's back.

"It'll be over before you know it, really," he says, leading Billy to the back of the store, "So, uh, what brings you to Burger Chef?" he asks, turning back to smile at Billy, "I mean, a job, obviously, but why here?"

Billy stiffens a little. It was an innocent question, but Billy hadn't prepared an innocent answer.

"It's...close?" he says, smiling a little sheepishly and hoping that was a satisfactory and answer, "Or did you want the answer I put on my application? About how much I love customer service?"

He can't see any reason why Minh would guess his real motivation, but he can't get rid of the shiver in his gut.

Minh laughs, nodding in understanding.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes you just have to take what you can get, right?" he says, giving Billy a sunny smile. As he showed Billy around he became more sure that they could be fast friends if Billy would just let him in. Their day goes by fast, with Billy shadowing him as Minh shows him around, and at lunch Billy doesn't seem to eat too much despite how hungry he'd seemed earlier, but Minh shrugs it off.

"Well, that's about it for the day," he says, dusting his hands on his pants after he turns off the neon "open" sign, "I have to stay and take out the garbage and finish cleaning up, but you can go home."

Billy follows him around for most of the day, trying not to think about how enticing he was finding the smell of the raw meat in the back, and especially not entertaining the thoughts he was having about how his new co-workers might taste. He heaves a quiet sigh of relief when Minh says it's time to clean up, but tenses again when he mentions cleanup, his eyes going wide. He forces a neutral expression back onto his face and tries not to respond too quickly.

"Cleanup, you said? Man, that sucks," he laughs, wetting his lips hungrily as he thinks about the bags of ground chuck in the storage room, "Hey, uh, you've been really helpful, if you want I could, uh...do that for you. You seem tired, I mean, you should go take it easy."

Minh pauses, staring at Billy, touched that he would offer to pick up Minh's work, and on what had to be a stressful first day to boot. He shakes himself after he realizes he's staring, embarrassed at the rush of affection that had coursed through him from someone he was reasonably sure hated him offering to help him.

"Oh, no, Billy, you don't have to do that," he says, ducking his head to hide his blush, "It's your first day and all. Thank you, though... for offering."

Billy hadn't been expecting Minh's polite refusal, and he swallows the urge to panic. The thought that he might not be able to sneak a meal tonight was almost unbearable, and he wasn't sure how long he could control himself. The fact that the two of them were alone together now was giving him compulsions that terrified him.

"No, please," he says, trying his best not to sound too desperate and only just succeeding, "It's not a big deal, I've done this loads of times, I've worked a lot of fast food joints. I kind of like the work, honestly, it beats having to work the register and talk to customers, you know?"

Minh laughs a little, almost disbelievingly, though he can understand where Billy is coming from. Truthfully, he despises the grunt work of cleaning and throwing away the trash, and much prefers being behind the counter, difficult customers aside.

"All right," he sighs, nodding, then looks up with a bright smile, "Tell you what, I don't mind working the counter, so next time you feel stressed out about it I'll switch with you, okay?"

Billy looks at him in surprise and smiles, genuinely this time in spite of himself. Biting his lip and looking down at the floor, he clears his throat before glancing at him shyly and shooting him a brief, crooked grin.

"Yeah, all right," he says, scratching the back of his neck. Minh's kindness knocks him off balance, and for a moment he forgets how eager he is for Minh to leave so he can dig in the trash. He's quickly reminded, though, by the loud growling in the pit of his stomach, and his smile fades a little as he reminds himself again that friendship wasn't ever going to be something he could pursue.

"You, uh...can go ahead and head out whenever you're ready," he says, "Don't worry, man, I'll take care of it."

The tiny smile that flickers over Billy's expression makes Minh's heart soar, and it takes him a moment to get his breath back and nod.

"Okay, thank you, Billy," he says, ducking his head to hide another blush, "I'll see you tomorrow."

He feels oddly floaty on his way home, and can't stop smiling, but it takes him a few days to figure out why he enjoys Billy's presence so much, why he can't stop blushing around him, and why his cheeks hurt from smiling around him.

Billy just seems so sweet and gentle, and Minh desperately wants to get to know him better, maybe even in a romantic way, he realizes after a few days. Working with Billy is just fun, and Minh is reasonably sure there's something deeper going on in Billy's life, something he's not keen on talking about, and Minh's heart aches for him already.

He decides quickly to do something about his little crush, and it's only two weeks after Billy started working at the burger joint when he makes his move. They've been working together steadily, and occasionally meeting up in the library for study sessions, as well as staying after class to chat.

Today they're both working a morning shift, just about to wrap up, when Minh finally works up the courage to ask him out.

"So, uh, Billy?" he asks in the locker room after their shift, "Got any plans for tonight?"

Billy had, in fact, had plans for tonight, which involved eating the chunk of meat he'd stolen from the garbage and stowed in his freezer, but he couldn't very well say that. He also found he couldn't think of a viable excuse, and it wasn't only because Minh knew he had no other friends.

"Plans?" he repeats, his voice breaking a little, and the drops the burger he was in the middle of flipping onto the floor, "Plans. I. Well, no. No, no plans."

He clears his throat and smiles, kicking himself internally for not even trying to come up with a better response than that. He was finding himself growing weaker and weaker to Minh's friendliness, and even though he knew it could only end horribly he couldn't help but cave.

Minh brightens considerably, smiling warmly at Billy and turning so his whole body was facing Billy, his hands clasped in front of him.

"That's great! I mean, um, I was thinking about... Well, maybe we could... Go to dinner? Just the two of us? I thought it... Might be fun?" His voice ends on a squeak, shaking a little from nerves of finally getting up the courage to ask Billy out on a date. Well, probably it was a date. Billy had been remarkably hard to read, and Minh was reasonably sure that he wasn't straight, but he hadn't really seemed to have much of an interest in anyone, and he'd never mentioned having an ex girlfriend or an ex boyfriend, so there was still some doubt. Still, though, Minh was reasonably sure he could play off the invitation as a friendly one if the idea was repulsive to Billy.

Billy stares at him for a moment, gaping like a fish. It wasn't the first time he'd been asked out on a date before -- a neighbor girl when he'd lived in Wisconsin had gotten a crush on him and asked if he wanted to go bowling, and he'd politely declined -- so he wasn't completely out of his depth. Or at least, he shouldn't have been, but the fluttering feeling in his chest was new.

"Me and you, you mean, like...like a date?" he chokes, leaning over to pick the dropped burger up off the kitchen floor and, reluctantly, pitch it into the garbage. His stomach churns with guilt, and he hates himself for not immediately turning him down, but the eager look on Minh's face is too much for him.

Minh flushes, but Billy's disbelief doesn't seem all that repulsed, just surprised, so he nods eagerly.

"Yeah, um, I mean, if you want?" he bites his lip and then moves closer to Billy, just a step, but close enough to make intimate intentions known with the gentle hand he puts on his arm, "I'd... I'd like if it were. A date, I mean."

Billy's throat goes dry, and the gentle expression on Minh's face just about kills him. He feels warmth spreading through his cheeks, and a swell of affection in his chest, and all it does is serve to remind him just how much he definitely, absolutely had to turn him down. He knew that the more he cared about a person, the more important it was that they stayed far, far away from him, for their own sake. There were only so many ways a relationship like this could end for someone like him, he attempted to remind himself, and whatever pain he caused Minh and himself now by turning him down was nothing compared to the pain he'd be sparing him from if he got any closer than this. He mentally repeats this to himself over and over as he prepares to reject him. I'm sorry, Minh, he thinks, I just can't -- no, don't -- see you like that. You're a really nice guy, it's nothing personal. I've gotta go study. I've got to do dishes. I told my neighbor I'd check on her cats. I have to--

All his prepared excuses crumble when Minh touches his arm, and he looks down at his handand back up at his face.

"Yeah," he blurts out, "Sure, I mean, I ca-- no, I-I'd like that a lot."

So much for all the stupid self help tapes about self control, he thinks, wincing a little at himself as the butterflies mix with the stomach churning guilt, and his stomach lets out a deafening gurgle.

Minh's grin is blinding in the face of Billy's acceptance, and his hand grips his arm tightly before he remembers to release him and take a polite step back.

"Great! I mean, you know, cool, sounds good. How about, like, seven? I can come pick you up, if that works. I... I can't wait," he admits somewhat shyly, flushing but no longer taking particular care to hide it from Billy.

"Oh!" he says, remembering suddenly, "Is there anything you can't eat? Or, like, anything you can't live without?"

Billy blinks at him, alarmed for a second at what seemed to be a joke about his condition, but Minh's face is earnest, and it's clear he doesn't understand what he's just asked him.

"I like...meat. Steak, I mean," he says dumbly, then remembers something Minh had said to him.

"Wait, aren't you, like, a vegetarian? That's not...a problem, is it?" he asks, half hoping Minh would reconsider and call the date off.

"Oh, no! No, it's cool, I don't mind," Minh says, shrugging, "You can eat whatever you want. Okay, great, I'll see you then!" Minh all but bolts from the room, too excited and too afraid he's going to say something really embarrassing and horrible if he stays in the same room as Billy.

At home he practically vibrates with nervous and excited energy, and he spends far longer than he should picking out an outfit. He wants to look nice, but not so nice that it's not casual, but not so casual that it looks like he doesn't care.

In the end he settles on a plain t-shirt and jeans that make his ass look nice, and a slightly nicer open hoodie over it. He drives over to Billy's apartment building, and has to sit outside for a minute or two and take deep breaths. He finally manages to get out of the car and go up to the door, searching for the right name on the list of residents and pressing the buzzer.

Billy had driven himself home, regretting accepting Minh's invitation and dreading the consequences of his lapse in judgement the whole way. When he'd gotten home he'd removed his wig, ears, contacts, and dentures for a while while he could, before changing out of his work clothes and into something nicer. The gurgling in his stomach had gotten out of control, and he downs several of his diet pills with a glass of water along with an Atkins bar, before plopping down onto the couch, exhausted. He doesn't mean to drift off, but the exhaustion of forcing himself onto a diurnal schedule combined with the dread into his gut gets to him quickly, and he isn't roused until Minh comes knocking at his door.

"Be right there!" he calls out, scrambling frantically to replace his disguise and nearly putting his ear on upside down. He's still tugging his wig into place when he opens the door, and he gives Minh the best smile he can muster.

"Uh, hey," he says, swallowing hard, "You look...nice."

Minh's eyebrows go up when Billy answers the door, looking ruffled and like he just woke up from a nap. Minh has a niggling little worry about Billy not sleeping enough at night, so he was forced to take naps when he had a free moment during the day. He wondered if he'd been too enthusiastic about the date, if maybe Billy really didn't feel up to going out but had been too polite to refuse.

"Hey, thanks," Minh says, his expression creasing with worry despite his attempts to look normal, "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry."

"What? Oh, no, it's okay," Billy says, and Minh's concern for him makes him feel that much more guilty, "I'm just...a little jetlagged still. You know. My move from New Jersey wasn't that long ago, and Californias like six hours behind or something."

It's a flimsy excuse, he knows, but he hopes it will at least get Minh to stop making that pained face at him. He grabs his wallet and keys off the table and steps outside, without even really letting Minh see into his apartment.

"Which car are we taking?" he asks, sticking his hands in his pockets and walking next to him down the stairs. His heart was pounding, and he tries to argue with the little voices in his head, tries to convince himself that this somehow wouldn't end in disaster even though he knows there's no way that was true.

Billy's excuse is obviously a lie, and only serves to heighten Minh's worry. Billy bustles along before Minh can comment, and he decides to let it go, reasoning that if it was something Billy wanted to talk about he wouldn't be lying about it.

"I can drive," he says, leading them over to his car, which was parked in front of a fire hydrant anyways. The drive to the restaurant is mostly quiet, with Minh making idle chatter and Billy answering in short sentences. Minh starts to worry more than Billy doesn't want to be here, but assures himself that Billy is closed off generally, and there's no reason agreeing to go on a date would make him open up.

The restaurant Minh picks is a local favorite of his, more casual than fancy but with a nice, private atmosphere. The hostess sits them in a private booth and Minh gives her a bright smile when they order drinks.

"So, why did you move?" he asks gently, shooting for casual despite how desperate he was to know Billy better.

Billy tenses up at the innoceny question, the irrational fear that Minh knew more about him than he was letting on returning. He clears his throat and swallows the sip of his drink he was holding in his mouth.

"Well, uh...there was just some stuff I wanted to get away from," he says, shrugging and avoiding eye contact, "I just kind of thought if I moved away I could start over. Pretty dumb, right?"

He pulls his menu into his lap, and keeps his eyes fixed on that rather than allowing himself to look at Minh's face, which he was sure was full of pity someone like him didn't deserve.

"How about you?" he asks, trying to shift the focus away from himself, "Have you lived here long?"

"That's not dumb," Minh says kindly, looking earnest up at Billy, who won't meet his eyes, "Everyone wants to start over sometime." When Billy changes the subject again Minh wants to press the issue, but decides against it again. He sighs a little, almost under his breath, and looks down at the menu.

"Yeah, all my life," he says, shrugging, "My mom moved here when she got pregnant with me and we've been here ever since. I love it, I can't imagine living anywhere else. That must have been a big change for you, huh? Isn't it cold over there?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess, yeah," Billy says, "The warm weather's kinda nice though, I--"

At that very moment, the waitress returns, and Billy's immensely grateful for the distraction.

"You boys know what you want?" she asks cheerfully, pulling out her notebook and pen.

"Yeah, uh, yeah, I think we're ready," Billy says, sitting up a little, "I'm just gonna get the steak."

"All right, and how would you like that cooked, sir?" she asks, scribbling his order down.

"Um, how rare can you legally serve it?" he says, attempting a laugh, but he was honestly, desperately hungry, and his mouth was already watering. The waitress laughs, to his relief.

"All right, very rare. What would you like for your sides? We have fries, salad, fruit --"

"Can I actually get the, uh, sausage bacon and eggs side off the breakfast menu?" he interrupts, pointing out what he wanted on the menu, "It says you guys serve breakfast all day, so..."

"Oh, all right," she says, giving him a curious look before taking down his order, "You're quite the little carnivore, aren't you?" Billy laughs too loud at the comment, and rubs his nose, glancing from the waitress to Minh, then down at his lap.

Minh laughs along with Billy, though he doesn't quite understand the joke.

"Um, yeah," he says, somewhat unsurely, then smiles up at the waitress, "I'll have a green salad with the house dressing and a side of mashed potatoes, please." The waitress nods and smiles back warmly, jotting down their orders and saying their food will be out soon.

"So, uh, what were you saying?" he says, after she's gone, "About how you adjusted to California?"

"What? Oh, yeah, adjusting," Billy says, finding it hard to think about anything besides food, now, "It's been all right, it's...a little rough, I guess, sometimes, honestly. I guess I, uh...overestimated how much moving to a new place would help me with...stuff."

He shakes his head, now realizing he's revealed a little more about himself than he wanted to.

"It's just, um...I've...had some issues with...self control, for most of my life, and I thought getting myself out of the environment I was in would help me, cause...I dunno, but...I guess...you can't run away from yourself."

His brow furrows, and he chastises himself in his head as he stares down at his drink. Hey, at least Minh would probably dump him for being all doom and gloom on their first date.

Minh puts an elbow on the table and rests his chin in his hand, listening intently to Billy's story.

"I'm sorry," he says gently, reaching across the table to gently cup his free hand over Billy's, "If you... Need anyone to talk to about anything, I'll listen, okay?" he says, giving Billy an earnest look. Billy's walls seemed as thick and stout as ever, but at the same time it seemed like he really did want to let someone in, and Minh wanted to be that someone for him.

Oh, great, Billy thinks, as Minh now seems even more interested than him before, if that was possible. He laughs a little incredulously at Minh's offer, to listen to him talk about his problems, but still slowly turns his palm upwards into Minh's hand in spite of himself and pushes his fingers through the gapd in Minh's.

"I...thank you," he says, clearing his throat and reluctantly jerking his hand back into his lap, "I don't...know if I can do that, but...thank you."

Minh nods, understanding, and brings his hand back into his lap. He does want to be there for Billy, but he doesn't want to push him and risk having him pull away, so he lets the conversation slip away from more deep issues and onto lighter things. The food comes and they chat merrily about school and work and Billy makes Minh laugh more than a couple of times.

When they get back to Minh's car after dinner Minh realizes he doesn't want the night to end so quickly, and glances over at Billy, wondering if an invitation to allow the night to continue would be coming on too strong. He swallows and steels himself, knowing that he'd regret it if he didn't ask.

"So, um, I'm... having a really good time tonight. I almost... Don't want it to end," he says somewhat shyly, glancing up to give Billy a coy look, figuring that he could test the waters before actually inviting Billy back to his place.

"Yeah, me too," Billy nods in agreement, smiling a little, "I...haven't had this much fun in...I don't know, it's been a while."

It takes a few more seconds of pondering for him to really catch Minh's meaning, and when he does he chokes a little. He didn't know a lot about dating save for what he'd seen on TV and in movies, but he did know that what Minh was suggesting usually didn't happen after the first date. His mouth goes a little dry at the thought -- it was definitely something he'd thought about, and the look Minh gives him does nothing to help his situation. But the thoughts of spending the night with him quickly turn dark and unpleasant, snapping him back to reality as he imagines his disguise falling to pieces while they kissed, or, even worse, losing his very tenuous control over his urges at the taste of Minh's skin and hurting or killing him.

"But I...I-I don't know if...this is a good idea," he says, his hands shaking as he pushes them back through his fake hair and chastising himself angrily in his head for even considering allowing things to get this far, "I'm sorry, I like you...so much, Minh, I...I've just got problems, I don't want to...drag you into them."

Minh's face falls at Billy's words, and he flushes, embarrassed and ashamed. It probably was too fast, Minh had come on too strong, and Billy was reaching for excuses.

"Billy..." he says softly, reaching across the seat to take Billy's hand again, "You can tell me anything, I meant that. And... it wouldn't be dragging, I'd... If I could help you, I would." He flushes more darkly, glancing down and squeezing Billy's hand.

After a beat he thinks what the hell and leans over to plant a quick, soft kiss on the corner of Billy's mouth, his eyes wide as he sits back.

Billy touches the corner of his mouth in surprise, staring back at Minh with his eyes just as wide. He wrestles with himself for a moment longer, making a futile attempt to turn away, to get out of the car and walk himself the rest of the way home, but he doesn't. He can't.

Billy leans in, grabbing Minh's face and pulling him back in. He kisses him, sloppily and without much expertise but earnestly and longingly. His heart hammers in his chest the whole time, and thumps harder when he hears Minh's pulse echoing his own. Only when he feels the overwhelming urge to sink his teeth into Minh's tongue does he pull away in alarm, panting slightly and pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose to readjust his glasses.

"I...sorry," he huffs, "I...I'm sorry."

Minh makes a small surprised sound into Billy's mouth but kisses back eagerly, reaching up to grab a fistful of Billy's shirt. His head spins when Billy pulls back suddenly, and he's breathing hard and has to stop himself from immediately leaning back in.

"It's... it's okay, Billy," he says gently, reaching out to cup the back of Billy's neck, "It's more than okay. I like you so much, you don't have to apologize for doing something I... want to do." He rubs the skin at the back of Billy's neck and then pushes his fingers into his hair, hoping to encourage him to return to kissing.

"My, um, mom's... away for the night," he says lowly, almost whispering, "So that's... an option."

Billy had never felt the weight of his secret as heavily as he did now, and for a second he almost blurts it out, if only so someone will know and to put an end to the notion he'd somehow been entertaining that this was something he could have, but he pictures the look of horror and fear the news will surely put on Minh's face, and knows he's not ready for it yet.

"I...can't," he says, turning his head down in shame and gripping at the front of Minh's shirt, "I can't, I can't. I need to get home, now. I'm sorry."

Minh's heart sinks a little at Billy's refusal, but he still pulls away. He reassures himself with the knowledge that Billy kissed him back, that these feelings go both ways, even if Billy isn't quite ready for any more intimacy than a quick kiss.

"Okay, Billy, it's okay," he says gently, pulling back and covering Billy's hand with his own, holding it, "We don't have to rush anything." He brings Billy's hand up to kiss his knuckles gently then releases him, turning back to turn the car on and take Billy home.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

stop saying i look like chicken little

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