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There was nothing like a near-death experience to put life in perspective. He and Roddie had fought against an aggressive parasitic worm, and they had come out the other side a little shaky but otherwise closer. Tony had been considering leaving his line of work for a while, but considering death had made it clear that what he was doing was not what he wanted to be doing.

He'd put in his formal resignation the next day, pending the completion of his current project and any other outstanding duties he needed to complete. He wasn't sure where he was going from here, and all he knew was that he was heartbroken about the thought of leaving despite it feeling like the right thing to do, finally. He just... he couldn't be around Roddie anymore, not without... wanting more. It had become especially excruciating in the days since he and Roddie returned from their worm adventure, because the last of the coldness lingering between them since Tony had snubbed Roddie had faded, and they were almost back to the way things had been before the kiss. It was still only almost because Tony couldn't allow himself to relax around Roddie, not fully, or risk exposing his feelings to someone who thoroughly didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Roddie was the best friend he'd ever had, but Tony knew he couldn't return to the friendship they'd had before because it hadn't really been friendship, not to him. The desire for more had been there the whole time, and there was no going back, not now that his desire was a firm impossibility. Roddie deserved better than him, deserved someone who wouldn't hurt him, and that clearly wasn't Tony.

It hurt to think about losing his friends, too, Zakeef and Boscha and Vira who had ended up feeling more like a family than any Tony had ever known. They weren't really his friends, though, they had always been Roddie's friends first, and it would be unfair to put them through the stress of keeping in touch with Tony when Tony couldn't keep in touch with Roddie. No, his only choice was leaving all of them, forever.

It was all for the best anyways, because Roddie would be better off without him to cause problems and be annoying.

They were docked at a Federation space station for a few weeks because a small but vital part of the ship had broken, and they were waiting for a replacement part to be shipped to them. Tony was spending his days wandering the station rather than sit on the ship with the others and contemplate leaving them. It was one of these days when he was walking down the promenade when a voice rang out from behind him that made his eyes widen and his breath catch.

"Anthony? Is that you?" called the voice, and Tony turned to see Evan, in all his pastel-golf-shirt-and-khaki-shorts glory.

"...Evan?" he ventured after a moment, still kind of hoping he was wrong, but Evan continued to walk up to him and then pull him into a hug. Tony returned the hug rigidly, and then told himself to relax. This was Evan, after all, the man he'd dated four times over the last six years.

"Anthony! It's so great to see you! You look great," he said, his smile toothy and too white, and he barely glances past Tony's face.

"Yeah, um, you too," Tony says awkwardly, taking a step back away from Evan's embrace, "What, uh... What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, Federation business," he said, waving a hand dismissively, though Tony knew that Evan had expressed to him several times his intense distaste for visiting the outer space stations, "What about you? I'd heard you were on some kind of mission?" Evan raises his eyebrows, like he's expecting Tony to elaborate, but he just shrugs.

"Yeah, I was. It's just about wrapping up now," is all he offers, unwilling to give Evan any particular details about his current situation. Evan just smiles and nods, and Tony can't help but wonder if he'd actually heard a word of that, or just tuned out after "yeah".

"That crew you were stationed with must have been something, right?" Evan says, laughing, and at least that Tony can agree with. He smiles and nods, a little shyly, thinking about all the good times he's had with the crew of the Tacoma over the last couple of months.

"Yeah, they're... They sure are something," he says, smiling brightly up at Evan, who returns his smile.

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"His...his parents sent you," Roddie repeats, turning around very slowly and gripping the glass very tight now in his organic hand, which was shaking with rage, now. He just couldn't take it anymore.

"His parents sent you, to push him back onto their...miserable fucking agenda for his life, when he was finally starting to figure things out for himself for once in his --"

He laughs in spite of the way his heart fell into his stomach, breathless with anger, and presses his tongue against the inside of his cheek.

"Unbelievable," he says, "You are un-be-lievable."

Tony had only snuck off to the bathroom next door to almost hyperventilate, and when he heard raised voices he started and realized he just left Roddie and Evan alone in a room together. He knows he should get up and go back, ask Evan politely to leave to avoid an incident, but he's just too drained. Instead, he connects his communicator to the security cameras in the room to watch and make sure nobody gets hurt.

He covers his mouth with his hand when he hears Roddie say Evan was sent by his parents, his heart thumping.

Evan gapes at Roddie for a long moment, and then his expression hardens and he looks him up and down.

"You put him up to this, didn't you?" Evan says, his voice cold, "You bewitched him with your lies. It must be nice having an agent in your pocket. Or was it too much like a leash, so you convinced him it was in his best interest to quit? You've ruined his life, you know."

"Bewi-" Roddie chokes, disbelievingly, and hardly notices the glass he was clutching shattering in his hand, "God, you're a moron! I had no fucking idea he was quitting, but you know what? You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad he's quitting, because he hated his job, even aside from all the underhanded, conniving shit you and your friends pull, he was miserable, trying to do the things you do and be the kind of person you are, the kind of person his parents wanted him to turn out to be, so yeah, thank God he's quitting, thank God for him 'tripping over himself and ruining his career' and however else you want to describe the fact that he made his own decision for once in his life. Thank God. And no matter where he goes, I am really damn happy for him."

He's out of breath by the time he's finished his spiel, his face a dark shade of red, and he only just notices that his hand is bleeding.

Tony's eyes well up with tears unbidden at Roddie's words, touched at hearing the first person to ever tell him following his heart was the right thing.

Evan's expression hardens further, sneering at Roddie like he's disgusted.

"Who cares what you think? You're just some trumped thief who just gets in the way. Why do you care so much about Anthony, anyways? Are you after his money? Because you'll have some competition there."

Tony's tears of overwhelmed emotion tip over into the heartbroken side, because for all he'd learned he disliked Evan, he'd always thought they respected one another, liked one another, as friends if not as lovers. The fact that Evan had only been with him for the money and access to the power of him family stung badly, and Tony's eyes were so blurred with tears he could barely see the screen.

"Money?" Roddie coughs, "Money."

He throws the pieces of shattered glass that were still in his hand onto the floor, and stops just short of punching Evan in the nose, extending a finger and poking him hard in the chest.

"You...are...you...augh!" Roddie shouts, turning and walking several paces away before turning on his heel and walking rapidly towards him again.

"You know, Tony likes you, so I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but oh my God. You're just a fucking leech. You're a leech! Can you really just not imagine someone genuinely caring about him? Have you just never loved another person in your miserable God damn life?"

He closes his mouth quickly on the last words, which he hadn't meant to let slip, and purses them as he turns around and looks at the floor.

Tony's eyes go wide at Roddie's not-quite-admission, his heart soaring with momentary hope that maybe he hasn't ruined everything forever between them.

He'll have to think about that later, though, because right now he's filed with fury over Evan's scathing words about Roddie. He closes the video feed and stalks out of the bathroom, bursting back into the room heedless of the tears still trailing down his face.

"Evan," he says sternly when he bursts into the room, wiping at his face, "You need to get the fuck out of here right now. I never want to see you again."

Evan's face goes white with shock, and then he attempts a smile, raising his hands placatingly.

"Come on, Anthony, it's not what it looks like--"

"Get the fuck out!" Toby screams, pointing at the door, "Get out before I make you get out!" Evan glances between them, then seems to weigh his options and slink out the door, muttering unfavorable things about both of them the whole way.

Tony collapses when Evan finally leaves, catching himself on a nearby table as the stress and grief of the last couple hours finally catch up to him.

"Oh, God," he wimpers, covering his face with one hand, his shoulders shaking.

Roddie is crushed by a wave of guilt when he sees Tony, his face streaked with tears, and he lowers his clenched, bleeding fist and balls it in the end of his shirt. He hangs back a moment when Tony sits at the table, and his hands hover over his shoulders without actually touching them.

"I...I'm...really sorry," he stammers, "I-I knew your excuse to leave was BS but I thought you actually...left, or I wouldn't have...I'm sorry. Do you...need some time? I can...let you have the ship...to yourself, for a while."

"I'm... I don't..." Tony starts, interrupting himself to sob loudly, curling into himself, "I'm sorry. I... Thank you. For everything you said. It... It means a lot. To have someone tell me I'm doing the right thing. I... I thought..."

Tony loses track of his thought in sobs again, shaking his head violently.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says, standing up on shaky legs and stumbling towards the door, "I just-- I'll be..." He waves his hand vaguely, then leaves out through the door, making it back to his room and collapsing on the bed.

Roddie's heart breaks a little at the sight of him so upset, and he plops down in the chair opposite where Tony had been sitting, blowing out a long breath and resting his elbows on the table. After a few moments of consideration, he hoists himself back up and grabs his keys, and heads out the front door.

He returns about an hour and a half later with a plastic bag. His hand was poorly bandaged, wrapped in some toilet paper he'd gotten from a rest stop bathroom on the station after getting a horrified look from the attendant. He makes his way through the ship, dropping his keys on the kitchen table before stopping in front of Tony's door. His heart thudding a little in his chest, he gives a soft knock on Tony's door and rests his forehead against it.

"Hey, Tony," he says quietly, "How're you doing? Can I, uh...come in? Just for a second, I got you some...well...it's a lot."

Tony cries until he can't anymore, and then he lies there staring at the wall and thinking about the things Roddie had said about him. He hadn't actually admitted to anything romantic, just heavily implied love, and by the time Roddie knocks on his door he's working on convincing himself not to get his hopes up.

"Oh, yeah, um," he calls back, scrabbling to gather up his used tissues and wipe at the snot on his face, "Come in!"

Roddie feels a wave of relief and lets himself in, tripping over himself a little and entering the room before the door had slid all the way open.

"Hey," he says, waving with his uninjured hand. He walks towards him, dropping the bag on the table in front of him and shaking his cut hand, hissing a little in pain as it started to smart again.

"I got, um...chocolate raisins, gum, other chocolate stuff, um...cookies? And, uh...I downloaded that movie you wanted to see. About the painter. Legally downloaded, paid for it."

He scratches his chin, afraid to meet Tony's eyes and have his heart broken by the look on his face. When he finally manages to look at him, it hurts about as badly as he's expecting it to, and he swallows thickly.

"Roddie..." Tony starts, touched by Roddie's thoughtfulness, but as he reaches for the bag he stops halfway, gasping, "Oh my God, Roddie, your hand!" He exclaims, standing up and taking Roddie's profusely bleeding hand in both of his.

"What happened?" He asked as he pulled a first aid kit out from under his bed, tearing out a few wet wipes to wipe at the cuts on his hand.

"Oh...yeah, that," Roddie laughs, "I broke a glass in my hand. It's all right, I got all the pieces out, so...it's fine."

He tries halfheartedly to wriggle his hand out of Tony's, but was enjoying having Tony kinda-sorta holding his hand too much to pull away.

"Tony, about earlier..." he starts, "I...really am sorry, I feel awful, I shouldn't have freaked out like that, I-I really didn't want to mess anything up for you and now I feel like...well."

Tony gives a long-suffering sigh as he works at cleaning up Roddie's injury and wrapping it up, his fingers gentle and light.

He looks up in confusion when Roddie apologizes, and he has to think about it for a moment to understand what he's apologizing for.

"Oh, Roddie," he says, sighing, "You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything. I'm the one who should apologize, I... I'm the one who put you in that situation." His face twists with pain at the truth of that statement, how maybe if he hadn't left the room Roddie wouldn't have gotten hurt and Evan wouldn't have said such horrible things to him.

"And it's my fault that I... Associated with such a person," he adds in a small voice, keeping his eyes on the bandages he was wrapping around Roddie's hand, "I'm sorry."

"No, no, Tony," Roddie says, gently insistent, "It's not your fault you got stuck with people like him, and it's not your fault he treated you or anyone else the way he did, okay? That's on him."

He slowly takes a step back and sits down on the couch, bringing Tony with him as he continued to bandage his hand.

"You didn't even know, anyway," he mutters, his brow furrowing a little, "He was all...underhanded about it in front of you, you didn't know he was an all out jerk and not just...a regular one."

Tony nods slowly and then shrugs, taping down the end of the bandage but not pulling his hands away from Roddie's right away, despite it feeling dangerous. He's still raw and aching, still desperate for comfort, too desperate to care about his guilt and self loathing.

"I guess," he says, shrugging again, "I just feel like... I've known him so long, and we were... intimate at several points. I feel like I should have known." He sighs, letting go of Roddie's hand finally to push his fingers through his hair.

"I thought it was normal, I guess. I thought you were supposed to be terrified of your romantic partner," he says, half smiling sardonically at himself, "I guess you're just the better person, huh?" He says, looking over at Roddie and smiling a little more genuinely.

Roddie flushes lightly and laughs when Tony does, his eyes flitting from Tony's face back down to the floor.

"Uh, wait," he says, looking back up and scratching his head, "Did you just say -- you mean, the uh, better person between me and him? Or like...the better...uh."

His face was burning hot now, and he feels the blush creeping behind his ears and down the back of his neck.

"...Like. Less terrifying romantic partner?" he blurts out, clearing his throat, "Because I uh...uh."

Attempting to make the question sound neutral, he ends the sentence there, unable to bring himself to add anything to the sentence. He hoped to God he wasn't reading things wrong, but with all the changes Tony was making, now, and the way he'd held his hand just now, he couldn't help but wonder...

Tony looks over at Roddie, confused for a moment before he understands what he's saying and his eyes widen and he blushes furiously.

"No! I mean, um, I just meant like... The better person in... general, compared to... Um, me and Evan, I didn't..." Tony swallows thickly, glancing over at the somewhat eager look on Roddie's face, an expression that definitely isn't disgust or disappointment, "I mean, um, not that you're... not that you wouldn't be, um, better..." Tony trails off, horrified as his own fumbling, staring at the floor to avoid Roddie's gaze.

"It wouldn't be hard to be a better boyfriend than Evan, right?" he tries to joke, but it comes out strangled and with a delirious laugh, and afterwards he groans and covers his face with his hands.

"O-oh," Roddie stammers, his gut churning with embarrassment and horror at his mistake, "I-I'm not --"

Better than you, Tony, don't be stupid, he wants to say, but then Tony keeps talking, and doesn't shut him down, or say anything that suggests he feels this isn't the right time or place for this conversation, and he nearly feels his heart do a flip.

"No, I...guess not," he laughs quietly, his heart thumping against his ribcage as he swallows dryly, "I'd, uh...I guess we...wouldn't know for sure unless we...tried, though, would we?"

It was a stupid line, and he regrets it immediately. As hard as he tries to follow it with a laugh, to make the tone less serious, he can't seem to. Instead, he just leans forward in his chair, closer to Tony, and stares at his own hands folded in his lap.

Edited 2015-08-03 16:31 (UTC)

Tony's heart thumps at Roddie's words, more at the tone of his voice than the words themselves, and the intense way he's looking down at his legs.

"I guess we wouldn't," he says breathlessly, his eyes wide as he looks over at Roddie, feeling an odd mix of terror and exhilaration.

"Roddie..." He says regretfully, reaching out to wrap his fingers around Roddie's metal hand, "I heard, um, what you said to Evan about... caring. And I... I want you to know I feel the same." He notes his head, squeezing his eyes shut as the fear outweighs the happiness.

"I don't... I don't know if I can... I'm... I'm afraid, Roddie," he admits quietly, clutching Roddie's hand tightly.

Roddie's heart leaps a little at Tony's words, and, finally, he gets up the nerve to actually look over at him.

"Hey...hey," he says softly, shaking a little as he rests his good hand on top of the one Tony had placed in his metal hand, and pushes his fingers through the gaps in Tony's, marvelling a little at the feel of it.

"It's...it's okay, I swear," he says softly, "I'm...I'm nervous too, you know? But it's just...it's all right, we'll just...take our time...take your time, it's okay, I just...I...I do care about you...so much, and...I-I want you to stay. With me. I don't know...what I'm going to do if you leave, honestly."

Tony whines a little, Roddie's words making his resolve crumble.

"Roddie..." he says, trying to summon the will to object, but he stares down at their hands and the words don't come, "Jesus," he mumbles quietly, his vision blurring with tears again.

He leans forward, shaking his head, trying to curb the elation he feels at his own inability to refuse something he wants.

"You are so stupid," he says with a watery laugh, wiping at his eyes, "I don't know what I would do without you."

Roddie breathes a relieved laugh, and his eyes start to well up a little in sympathy for Tony's tears.

"Hey, come on, don't cry," he half-laughs, sniffling and pulling his shaking hand away to brush the tears off of Tony's cheek, "You're making me cry. Everything's gonna be okay, okay?"

Roddie tilts his chin up, and their eyes meet, and this time, Roddie doesn't glance shyly away. Instead, he leans forward, kissing Tony's cheek twice before pulling back and tentatively touching his forehead against his. He uses his thumb to wipe away the salty wet tears that he'd gotten on his lips and offers him a flushed smile, despite the fact that his own eyes were still watering slightly.

Tony bites his lip after Roddie kisses him, his light touch and gentle affection making emotion surge in his chest and not helping at all with the overwhelmed tears.

He reaches up to put his hand on Roddie's neck, holding him tightly as he swallows, his eyes on Roddie's smiling mouth. He considers pulling away, letting him go with such a small kiss, and he can't manage it.

"You're too good," he says, then swoops in to kiss Roddie on the mouth, hard and full of all the longing and desire he'd been fighting for months.

"Mmph," Roddie mutters in surprise against his mouth, but quickly regains his bearings and gives as well as he's getting. He turns his body towards him, his arms settling around Tony's middle as he hugs him close and kisses him back with just as much passion and longing. His hands curl into fists in the back of Tony's shirt, and he keeps them there even as the kiss begins to slow and they start to break apart.

"...Wow," he laughs stupidly, licking his lips, which had begun to feel raw from all the kissing, "That was...uh...a relief."

Tony laughs, delirious and relieved, letting go of his worries for now and just enjoying Roddie's presence. He leans back in to kiss Roddie's mouth, briefly, before moving to pepper kisses over both of his cheeks and forehead.

He pulls away grinning so hard his cheeks hurt, and he swallows thickly, telling himself to pull himself together. He takes a deep breath, moving away just so there's room to breath between them.

"So, um, did you... say you brought stuff?"

"Um, yeah, yeah," Roddie says, pulling away reluctantly with a stupid grin on his face and grabbing the bag he'd set down on the coffee table in front of him, "Here, those chocolate raisins you like, some cookies, and...oh, shit, i forgot, ice cream. It's probably kind of melted, sorry. Guess you should have thought about that before you started kissing me, huh?"

He grins at him again, sitting back on the couch so they're shoulder to shoulder again, and slides an arm around his shoulder. It was still kind of hard to believe that all of a sudden he could just...do that, now.

"The movies already downloaded to the...uh...movie thing, so you can just pull it up on the tv, if you want," he says, scratching his ear as he props his legs up on the footrest and crosses them.

Tony laughs and blushes, shoving ineffectually at Roddie's shoulder.

"That sounds good," he says, reaching for his tablet and pulling up the movie before settling back against Roddie, his hand coming up to thread his fingers through the hand Roddie had draped over his shoulder.

He was sure later he was going to panic about this, but for now he was just going to enjoy the moment.

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