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Conner was doing his best to convince himself not to panic. It wasn't a big deal, really, he kept trying to tell himself but things had been tense lately and he couldn't quite shake the unsettled feeling. Gavin had been on edge lately, only admitting to paranoia after Conner asked him about it. Gavin had played down his fear but Conner could tell he was spooked, and had done his best to look after him and reassure him.

Truthfully, Conner hadn't even wanted to go to work that morning, not with the way Gavin had clung to him all night. But he hadn't wanted to miss the hours that day, either, so he kissed Gavin for a long time and then rushed to work, almost showing up late.

Then Gavin hadn't answered any of his texts. He always texted Gavin during lulls at work, little observations or stories, and Gavin almost always responded right away. It was possible that Gavin had just fallen back asleep, or gotten wrapped up in work or a video game, but with the way things had been lately it made panic start to take root in Conner's gut, so he decided to head back home for his lunch break, just to check up.

He'd just been reassuring himself with thoughts of walking in on an overly focused Gavin, and distracting him thoroughly and making him lunch when he rounded the stairs on their floor, and froze when he saw the door to his apartment. It was standing ajar, the lock broken, and Conner's heart is immediately in his throat.

He pulls out his phone with a shaking hand, dialling 911 as he slowly pushes the door open and grabs the baseball bat near the front door.

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Conner doesn't look all that convinced by Gavin's deflection, but sits down at his side and curls their fingers together. Conner is sorely tempted by the idea of sharing a bowl, but he knows he won't even as he considers it. It would be nice to relax, for a little while, but Conner still doesn't trust anything enough to relax fully, even in his own home. The day after the attack Conner had collaborated with the landlord and chipped in on a new security system, something complicated and safe, but even with the system he didn't want to let down his guard that much.

Plus, he'd came to expect a certain... level of intimacy when he and Gavin got high together, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to discard those reactions so easily. The doctor had said no sex for five to six weeks, and Conner had agreed to go cold turkey as well, for solidarity, and he'd found between all the worrying he'd been doing, resisting wasn't that hard at all. Even so, he missed the intimacy and the relaxing nature of those actions.

"I'm okay," he says, reaching out to brush Gavin's hair away from his face and stroke his cheek, "I can get it for you, though."

Gavin frowns a little and turns his face towards Conner, his recently healed nose brushing against Conner's nose lightly.

"I don't really wanna to do it alone," he says with a frown, before placing a soft kiss to Conner's mouth and rubbing the palm of his hand over Conner's chest.

"You don't have to do that much. You gotta unwind somehow, man, I don't know. It's hard seeing you like this."

Edited 2015-04-10 06:46 (UTC)

Conner leans into the affection, sighing a little, kissing Gavin back. He couldn't help but melt into the attention, as he'd only recently allowed himself to relax into cuddling with Gavin.

"I'm all right," he says, his eyes closing as he leans forward and turns his face into Gavin's shoulder, "I don't need it." He gives himself another moment, taking a deep breath and smelling Gavin's neck, and then he pulls away, smiling softly.

"I'll make us some food and then we can watch a movie or something. That's relaxing. Or we could watch one of those nerd shows you like."

Gavin gives him an incredulous look, before pulling on Conner's shirt to kiss him again.

"It's Star Trek and it's actually pretty mainstream now," he grumbles against Conner's mouth, "So actually, you're the one who's behind the times."

He crosses his arms and sits back, laughing at himself as he leans his back against the headboard.

"Bet you feel like a jackass, now that I owned you."

Conner laughs, ruffling Gavin's hair as he stands up.

"Yeah, you sure showed me. Never again will I call one of your nerd shows a nerd show or risk getting a lecture on how not-nerdy it is," Conner says as he leaves the room, heading towards the kitchen. He puts away the groceries he'd hastily dropped onto the counter earlier, and then finishes the sandwich Gavin had been making and makes himself one, too. He heads back into their bedroom with two plates, complete with sandwiches and chips, and two drinks, and sets them on the bedside table. Then he retrieves Gavin's laptop and sets it down in front of him.

"You can start up whatever you want to watch," he says, and then goes about changing out of his work clothes and into a t-shirt and sweatpants. Normally he'd opt for just boxers for lounging-around-in-bed-with-Gavin, but being almost naked and cuddling with Gavin is not where he wants his head to be, so he pulls on the sweatpants over his underwear and climbs into bed next to Gavin.

Gavin follows Conner's lead, removing his own shirt before settling down next to him, leaning into his side. He pulls the laptop into his lap, and picks out a crime procedural they'd been watching recently. He rests his hand on Conner's knee, rubbing it affectionately up and down his thigh as the opening credits start to roll.

"You like this one, right?" he laughs, craning his neck to look over at him, "Not too much of a nerd show?"

He can't help but punctuate himself with another kiss to Conner's mouth, and he lets it last a little longer than just a peck.

"It's still a nerd show," Conner says, grinning against Gavin's mouth and kissing him back gently, "But I never said I didn't like your nerd stuff." Conner nudges him gently and turns his attention towards the show, avoiding making the kiss too deep or too long. Although watching the show makes him a little antsy, watching in the opening scene as a criminal attacks an innocent person and shoots them.

Gavin grins and settles in against him, eating his sandwich contentedly as they watch the show. Gavin keeps his hand on Conner's thigh, rubbing his hand slightly further up his leg as he finishes the last bites of his food. He stretches his other arm around Conner's waist, scratching lightly at his lower back and looking at him out of the corner of his eye as he pretends to be paying attention to the show.

Conner focuses on his food and keeps his attention to the show minimal, although when he doesn't focus on the show all his focus goes to the hands Gavin has on him. He feels a little desperation crawling under his skin for Gavin, for feeling close to him and feeling physically reassured of his presence, but he swallows the urge.

After his sandwich is gone Conner attempts to focus on the show again, still feeling uneasy about watching it, and gently puts his hand over Gavin's on his thigh so it can't move up any higher, probably Gavin wasn't even thinking about where his hands were going and what effect it was having on Conner.

Gavin turns his face towards Conner when Conner rests his hand over his with a slight smile, but it fades quickly when he sees the obvious unease in Conner's expression.

"Hey, is something the matter?" he asks, sitting up and turning towards him after placing the laptop on the end of the bed, leaving it playing quietly in the background. A few gunshots ring out from the speakers, and something occurs to him.

"Oh...is this stressing you out?" he asks, looking concerned as he rests his hands on Conner's upper thighs, higher up than before, "I'm sorry, I should have...we don't have to watch this, we can, uh...do something else. Instead."

Truthfully, he hadn't planned on watching any more. He'd hoped that by now they'd have been at least making out.

"I'm okay," Conner says immediately, even though he flinches a moment later when the gunshot noises come out of the laptop's speakers, and he looks away.

"Something else like what?" Conner says, then turns back towards Gavin and takes in the hands on his thighs and the slightly flushed hue of Gavin's face, and the situation clicks, "...Oh. You mean..." Conner trails off and then leans back, a regretful expression on his face.

"Gavin, we can't. The doctor said five to six weeks," he says, his voice a little sad as he reaches down and takes Gavin's hands into his, holding them and pulling them away from his crotch.

Gavin lets out a small, frustrated sigh, biting his lip as he hangs his head.

"I-I'm...I'm getting desperate, man," he laughs, removing his hands and scrubbing his face with them.

"We could do something easy, we don't have to go all out, I mean...I'll lie down on my back and you can just...I dunno."

His flush spreads a little further as he speaks, and he chews on the inside of his cheek.

Conner sighs, looking away and hating himself for considering it. He wants it, God does he want it, and the way Gavin's flushing doesn't help anything--but he can't. He won't.

"There's no way to... You'd just get hurt, Gavin, I can't... I can't do that," he says, his expression regretful and pained, "I'm sorry. I want to... be with you, but I..." Conner's throat closes up trying to explain himself, and he just closes his mouth and swallows, looking down at Gavin's hands with a grim expression.

Gavin opens his mouth to protest, to insist he wont let him do anything that hurts, but closes his mouth when he sees the pained expression on Conner's face.

"Hey, hey, don't get upset or anything, it's all right," he says quickly, his chest tightening a little, "I mean...I'm pretty sure I'd be fine, but it's not, like...a big deal."

He doesn't quite understand why Conner is reacting the way he is, but he backs down, opting instead to reach out and tentatively rub Conner's shoulder.

"It's fine," he says, "I mean, please don't...feel bad or anything."

Conner feels all the anxiety and stress he's been holding down for the last few weeks bubbling up, everything he's been pushing away and swallowing back to focus on Gavin instead. Conner just shakes his head at first, battling with the intense fear as his eyes start to water.

"Gavin," he says, his voice cracking, "Your heart stopped. I saw you laying there, dead, and I can't... I can't deal with it, okay? I can't see that again, and I'm so afraid that it will, and I just... I need you to be safe. I... Need you to be safe." Conner wipes at his eyes that won't stop leaking, his shoulders trembling as emotion bursts through his walls and overwhelms him.

"Hey, hey," Gavin says quickly, his heart breaking a little as he pulls Conner into a tight hug, "All right, Conner, it's okay, I'm sorry, I'll...take it easy, I'll do what the doctor said, okay?"

He pulls back, pressing a long kiss against Conner's forehead before pulling him to lie down beside him and hugging him close to his chest.

"...I would like to be able to kiss you for more than a few seconds at a time without you pulling away, though," he says, after holding him quietly for several minutes.

Conner hugs Gavin back, burying his face in his shoulder but still taking care not to squeeze him too tightly or brush against his stomach, even as he cried into his shoulder.

When Gavin pulls back Conner wipes at his face and nose, giving him a watery, apologetic smile.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't want to... Get too worked up, myself," he says, his voice hitching a little, and leans in to kiss Gavin for a long moment, keeping it gentle and not too heated, before pulling back to sigh, "I've been... A little overprotective, huh? I'm sorry. I... love you, Gavin." He strokes Gavin's face and then leans in to kiss him again, this time without pulling away.

Gavin kisses him, slowly but deliberately and for as long as he's been wanting to for weeks, before pulling apart and wiping his wet cheeks with his thumb.

"It's okay," he says, his voice soft and low, "You're just worried, I...really, I think it's sweet, I just...I don't want you worrying like this. I'll be all right."

Conner nods, rubbing his hands up and down Gavin's back, comforted by his warmth and the beat of his heart.

"I think I... still need some time. Before I'm... totally okay again. But you can tell me if I'm going overboard, okay? I don't want to smother you or anything." Conner sighs, closing his eyes and completely relaxing into Gavin's arms for probably the first time since the accident.

----

Gavin's checkup with his doctor at the hospital lasts longer than expected, and by the time he gets out it's past time for Conner to be home from work. He texts him from the hospital parking garage, letting him know everything's all right and he's on his way back now, before getting in the car and driving himself back home.

The news had been good; after several hours of x-rays and questions and examination, the doctors had opted to remove the stitches on his stomach. They assured him that everything he described himself feeling was normal, including the feeling that his guts were going to fall out of him, and urged him to continue to take it easy. They had also encouraged him not to have penetrative or physically demanding sex, and had provided him with a pamphlet on oral sex, which had badly embarrassed him, and he had thrown it in the trash as soon as he'd been able.

He pulls up to their building, climbs the stairs to their apartment and fumbling with his keys at the door before pushing it open.

"Hey," he calls out, announcing his presence as he locks the door again behind them.

When Conner comes home to an empty house he does his best to keep his panicking to a minimum, because he knows Gavin's at his check-up, though it doesn't usually go on this long. He busies himself with making dinner, and before he can start to worry Gavin's texting him t say he's on his way home.

Over the last couple of weeks Conner had slowly begun to relax, releasing some of his anxiety that revolved around Gavin's health and he was beginning to get back to his usual self. That was helped along by how well Gavin was healing, as his color had started to come back and he'd started being able to move around on his own without passing out on the floor from pain.

"Hey, baby!" Conner calls back from the kitchen when he hears Gavin come in, grinning, "I'm in here! I made dinner! It's mac and cheese, sorry, I should probably learn to make something else."

Gavin sets his wallet and keys on the table by the front door and heads into the kitchen, coming up behind where Conner is standing at the stove to kiss him on the back of his neck before sitting down at the table.

"It went really well," he says, sitting himself down at the table after grabbing a bowl out of the cabinet, "They took the stitches out. They told me I'm making a really good recovery, and that everything's normal."

"Wow, that's great!" Conner says, grinning wide and coming over to the table to grab Gavin's bowl and give him a one-armed hug, returning to the stove to fill Gavin's bowl and put it in front of him, "You'll be back to 100% in no time, huh?" Conner fills up a bowl for himself and sits next to Gavin, lightly brushing their legs together under the table.

"How do you feel?" he asks, digging into his food.

"Pretty good," Gavin says, his mouth half full, "I still get the feeling that my stomach's gonna fall out onto the floor sometimes, but they said that's normal.

He pokes at his food some more, wondering how to fluidly breach the topic of sex.

"They, uh, said I'm pretty much ready to get back to most of the stuff I did before," he says, glancing over at Conner and then back at his food.

Conner makes an apologetic face at Gavin's complaints, nodding along to the news.

"That's cool. So, like, exercise and stuff? And spending hours sitting at the computer playing videogames?" Conner says, laughing, and when he looks up he catches the slightly shifty look in Gavin's eye and he pauses. He thinks for a moment, repeating what Gavin had just said in his mind and considering it.

"Or... Oh," he says, his eyes widening little as comprehension dawns, "Did they say you could, you know," Conner gestures vaguely with his spoon, "Do certain... Intimate... Activities?" He says, and he can't keep himself from giggling a little.

Edited 2015-04-11 19:09 (UTC)